Working for a Living

This week I begin a new, temporary, chapter in my life. Working full time outside the home. I was a single mother for over 10 years, I am not in unfamiliar territory. I hated it then and I hate it now. But, my mother needed surgery and wouldn't get it unless she felt things were handled and her boss trusts me, so I have agreed to do her job for six weeks.

We need money, it's true and this is a good opportunity to keep my skills fresh. (I am learning Windows 8. Yay) The most important thing is that I'm helping out my mom though. I wouldn't do it otherwise. It is simply not worth it to (as my husband dramatically puts it) let "the institution" raise my child. After I pay daycare, I have very little money left and that's going to gas, clothing and easy to prepare meals. What little is left has debts waiting for it.

Mothers who work outside the home like to sneer at mothers who stay home with their children and say "I do everything you do, plus I work full time." But the truth is they don't, I didn't before and I can't now. They make enough money to pay someone else to do what stay at home moms do all day.

Right now I am paying $41 a day for someone else to supervise, entertain and teach my child. And no, I don't think they can do it better than me. Yesterday was story time at the Library and we missed it because I had to be at the office. Tonight, I paid someone else to make Chinese food which I dropped off at home, along with my toddler to my teenager who babysat (that is, played Super Smash Bros on his DS in the same room while the toddler watched Toy Story) while I ran out to train a dog(because I still have to do my job too). I got home in time to catch the tail end of bath time with daddy and give little man a kiss goodnight, run through the week's schedule with teen man, make sure I still have three ducks, do the dishes and finally settle into the desk chair to check email and throw my angst at a hasty blog post.

Tomorrow is parent teacher conferences at the High School, the next day is Parent night at the Technical Center, so those evenings will run similarly to this evening. Unless I decide to skip Parent Teacher Conferences. I could do that... He's only in two classes at the High School and they are both variations on Gym...

You see. I've been a working mom 2 days and I already don't do the things I did as a stay at home mom.

Usually, I clean out the duck's crate daily and take the poo-soaked newspaper out to the garden and turn it into mulch. This whole process takes about a half hour. Today I didn't even collect the eggs until I was ready to put the ducks back in for the night and I just tossed clean newspaper on top of the old stuff. Wow, I am going to have to start giving away eggs because I don't have time to bake or make breakfast from scratch anymore!

Bread. Crackers. Cookies. Muffins. You can buy them if you don't have time to bake. Who knows what's in them? Is it even food? They sure cost a lot more. Yes, paying other people to do what  you don't.

I have not seen my garden in daylight since Sunday. I do not expect to do so again till Saturday. If there is anything ripe out there, something else is going to eat it. I hope it's the ducks. I hope the ducks eat my weeds. I hope nobody eats my ducks while they're all unsupervised out there all day every day.

I wish I could afford a housekeeper.

Transitions always suck for me.

But this will be a grand experiment. You see, in my memory, being a working mom was easier than being a stay-at-home mom. My house was as clean as I left it when I got home (of course I didn't have teenagers at home, just kids in school and daycare all day) and I didn't have to think of ways to entertain and mentally stimulate my kids. They got all that stuff at school and daycare and all the time I spent with them (about 3 hours a day) could be just us time. I cooked dinner, we ate dinner, we cleaned up dinner, we got ready for bed. At home I decompressed from work. At work I decompressed from home. I had work friends. My kids had school friends. I didn't have to arrange play groups or get along with their friends moms. I just had to occasionally nod and look appropriately concerned as the school or daycare people told me what terrible thing my kid had been up to that day. Nobody expected me to volunteer for anything or make snacks, because the stay at home moms had that covered and they all knew I wasn't one of them.

But what was I talking about? Oh yes! This is an experiment to explore the question: Which is easier, staying at home or working outside the home? I'll do it for science.

What I'm worried about though is how this will affect my son. For six weeks he will be in daycare from 8am to 6pm every day. And then it'll stop and he'll go back to once a week. How weird is that going to be? I am thinking it might be better to just keep working full time and keep him in daycare/pre-school, but the jobs advertised in my area are $8-10 per day. Since daycare is $40 per day, I'm not sure it's worth it. Something to chew on/research over the next six weeks.

On Feeding Toddlers

I am not a child development expert, nor am I a nutritionist. But I have three kids and I have cared for considerably more. I currently have a toddler and I discuss such things as feeding with other parents pretty regularly. I have learned a thing or two in my time and I am going to share it with you.

Feeding toddlers need not be complicated, but I find many people make it complicated. This is a shame. Because eating is a fun activity and we parents of toddlers need as many of those as possible to squeeze out the less fun activities, like rescuing the cat and washing crayon off the wall.

What do you feed a toddler?

The first and most important consideration is what to feed your toddler. Please, please, please feed him real food. If he doesn't have any other options he will eat real food and let us remember that our goal is not so much to raise a good child as to raise a good adult; An adult who can get along at a company dinner or his in-laws house without embarrassing himself and who doesn't suffer from an eating disorder or a food-related disease such as obesity or diabetes (or both). Keep this goal in mind and remember that your kid won't starve to death if he doesn't eat everything at every meal. There are more important factors beyond this meal.

Your Toddler's Breakfast

It is my observation that many people feed their toddlers cold cereal for breakfast on a regular basis. Worse, they feed them sugar-coated-strange-colored-is-this-really-food-? cereal for breakfast. Not only does this do nothing to help their developing brains (and I suspect it's actually detrimental) it virtually guarantees behavior difficulties at some point in your morning. It also sensitizes your child's taste buds to sugar. This makes the "normal" amount of sugar according to his sensibilities gradually higher and higher. He builds up a resistance and whatever sugar cravings he has is going to need more sugar to satisfy. Everyone has sugar cravings, it's just a matter of how much sugar you need to get over it.... Take a moment in your morning rush to think of the health of the adult you are creating when you make that much sugar normal.

So what do you feed your kid? Well, if you must feed him cereal, stick to things that aren't sugar coated and that are somewhat of a natural color, like Cheerios. But your child should start the day with more protein and fat than that, so topping it with flax seed or ground walnuts is a good idea. A serving a fruit will also not go amiss.

That being said, I prefer to cook. Oatmeal is really easy to make (I mean real oatmeal, not the sugar filled instant packets) and so are eggs.

My favorite breakfast for toddlers old fashioned oatmeal cooked with raisins, candied ginger and cinnamon and topped with ground walnuts or pecans and freshly ground flax seeds. You can make this in a crock pot or steamer with a timer if you like, but I just put it all in a sauce pan with water to soak overnight and turn on the burner in the morning when I put the coffee on. When the coffee's done, so's the oatmeal. (In reality, you don't even have to heat up the oatmeal, it will soften up in the fridge overnight and be perfectly edible in the morning, but I like mine warm.)
Use old fashioned oatmeal. Use enough liquid to equal the volume of all your other ingredients (oatmeal & fruit & etc.)
Now the magic is in the details - The raisins don't have to be raisins, any dried fruit will do. I like to use dried apples or dates sometimes or a combination. Fresh fruit is also good, but leaving it soaking overnight is not as good an idea.
I use candied ginger because I like the taste. I don't add any additional sugar. Ginger also stimulates the appetite.
I use cinnamon because it helps regulate blood sugar, which helps prevent hyperactivity and meltdowns. (it also stimulates the appetite)
I use only freshly ground flax seed and nuts and I always add them at the end after cooking because their oils are very valuable to the developing brain and I don't want to let them be destroyed by heat or time. These make the oatmeal too thick, but adding some milk or soy milk at this point soon fixes that problem.

Another favorite is scrambled eggs. I sometimes serve this with some fried potatoes or whole wheat toast and always include some fruit in season. I always scramble the eggs with vegetables, usually spinach. Simply put a little (real) butter in a pan and melt it. Add the spinach and let it cook till it wilts (or thaws if it's frozen), pour the scrambled eggs over top and sprinkle with Parmesan cheese. Cook slowly, so it is tender and not rubbery.

A Toddler's Lunch

I have also observed that the standard toddler lunch involves chicken nuggets or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and carrot sticks. This is... not a lunch... I'm not sure what that is. Aside from the dried-up lathe-spun carrots, I'm not sure there's any food involved.

Let us remember that our children are supposed to have FIVE fruits and vegetables a day- preferably five different ones. And this is simply not difficult. Your grocery store sells big bags full of pre-cooked frozen vegetables. It takes less time to dump some of them into a saucepan with a little water and simmer than it does to spread peanut butter and jelly on white bread and certainly no longer than heating up those frozen chicken nuggets.

For lunch, we usually have leftovers from dinner the night before plus some heated up frozen vegetables and some fruit if needed to round out the meal. I do not worry too much about protein at this point because my little one usually gets enough protein from his snacks, breakfast and dinner, but it's a balancing act. It's important to always know the plan so you can strike a balance. If extra protein is needed, I will fry up some cubes of tofu for him. He loves tofu.

One of my Sunshine's favorite lunches (he asks for it by name) is fried rice. I use leftover brown rice (I always cook up a bunch extra and store it in the fridge) and frozen mixed vegetables (peas, carrots, green beans, corn). First I heat some safflower or sunflower oil in a pan and grate some ginger and garlic into it and saute it just a bit till it's fragrant. Then I add the frozen veggies and toss them a bit and add some dehydrated onion and maybe a dash or two of soy sauce. When the veggies are thawed and begun softening, I add the rice and cook till hot. If we didn't have eggs for breakfast, I'll crack and egg or two into it and mix it up, cook till the egg is set.

Toddler Snacks

We do two snacks a day. One we call second breakfast at about 10 am and one we call the after nap snack around 4 pm. If we are going to be out at that time we make sure to bring a snack along. I try to pair a piece of fruit with a bit of protein if I can. Here are some wonderful toddler snacks:

• Carrots (& other veggies) with hummus (I will steam the carrots a bit so they're tender crisp, easier to chew & digest)
• Apple slices with cheese or peanut butter (or sun butter) (Stick to all natural peanut butter, the hydrogenated kind is no good for anybody)
• Avocado slices & cherry tomatoes or grapes (cut in half) (Avocados are chock full of good brain building fats)
• Berries in season or stewed and cooled dried fruit and yogurt (use plain yogurt and add the fruit and sweetener itself so you can control what's going into it. Flavored yogurt often has more sugar than fruit in it and Greek yogurt is often full of thickeners. You can thicken non-Greek yogurt by straining it with a cheesecloth.)
• Whole wheat crackers with cheese or peanut butter (make sure to spread the peanut butter thin to avoid choking)

And Dinner

At dinner your child should eat what you are eating. (I hope you are feeding yourself well.) You should eat together, at the same table. 

But How to Get Your Kid to Eat?

First, understand that your child does not have to eat everything in front of him all the time. Getting that through your head now will make everyone's lives a lot easier, including his. Forcing your child to eat everything on his plate when he doesn't want to just makes dinner time into a battle and encourages unhealthy attitudes toward food. So don't bother. Give him three meals and two snacks a day and let him eat as much as he wants. But there are some ways to get him to eat more.

Eat with him.

When you put your kid in a chair and put food in front of him and walk away, there is really no surprise that he's going to spend the next half hour playing with his food, trying to feed it to the dog and fussing to get down (or if he can get down, wandering off). Join him. Eat with him, even if it's only a little bit. Give him your attention. Talk about the food, the weather, whatever. It's good for him.

Give Thanks

Children thrive on ritual and making grace a ritual part of a meal can trigger your child's sense of "what comes next" i.e. eating. Here is mine- "The Earth gives us the food we eat, the sun warms it and makes it sweet, we remember all who give of themselves so we may live."

Just Feed Him

None of this "what do you want?", "Can I get you some of this?" nonsense. Do not fret about whether or not he will eat. Make the food. Put it in front of him. He'll either eat it or he won't. If you spend 20 minutes trying to figure out what he's going to eat only to have him maybe eat it, you'll just make yourself crazy. If he doesn't eat it today, he'll eat it tomorrow. He will get hungry. He will not let himself starve.

Feed him on Time

Again, kids like ritual. If you feed him at the same time every day it will get easier. If he always knows that lunch comes after Sesame Street or the walk in the park or coloring time, then he will always be ready for lunch at that time. If there is no routine and lunch is sometimes at noon and sometimes at 2pm, it's no surprise his eating habits aren't that good. If you want your child to be well-behaved, you're going to have to discipline yourself first. 

Eliminate Distractions

I can't believe how many people let their kids eat in front of the TV and then wonder why they won't focus on their meal. Or worse, make them sit at the table with their backs to the TV while other people are watching it. The TV should be well away from the table (like on a different floor of the house) or off during meals. Other distractions should also be eliminated. Make picking up toys part of your pre-meal routine so they're not scattered about providing distractions during meals. Make sure your child's diaper is clean and that he's comfortable and insist that everyone sit at the table during meal times, to avoid the distraction of people walking around. And put the pets in another room.

Let Them Play
I don't know why some folks get so upset about kids playing with food. At this age, a child with a cup is going to pour liquid onto his dinner plate. He's going to squish rice, potatoes and whatever else between his fingers to see how it feels. That is okay. He's engaging with his food, even if he isn't eating it all. He may not eat it today. Just assume he's making friends with his food so that one day he'll feel comfortable enough to eat it. This is how he learns. I promise, your child will not play with his food in this way for the rest of his life and if you don't make all excited about it, he'll get over it sooner.

Notice that there is nothing up there about making your kids sit at the table till their plates or empty or promising them a treat after they eat or making them eat one more bite. These tactics are not helpful in the long run and should be avoided. Give your child 30 minutes to eat, or until everyone else is done eating (whichever takes longer) and then clean up the meal and set him loose. He'll eat when he's hungry. Giving him nutrient poor foods, like processed chicken-like-substances, mystery fruit snacks and white bread simply defeats the purpose so don't give into it.

I know, I know, who am I? What do I know? I am a mother with three kids ages 2 to 21 who always eat their vegetables (they don't like all vegetables, mind you), have passable table manners and do not have overly developed sweet teeth (though they do like a treat once in awhile) and who do not have any eating disorders or weight problems.  And I am a nanny who has no problem getting "finicky" kids to eat as long as their parents aren't around (sometimes it takes a few meals, but I do always win). So there's my advice for what it's worth. If anyone else has any comments or suggestions they are very welcome!

My Thoughts on the Infamous Time Magazine Breastfeeding Cover

By now everyone's gotten an eyeful of Time Magazine's latest cover featuring a MILF suckling a 3-year old boy standing on chair. (If you haven't follow the link and then come back here so we can continue this discussion on equal footing.) If you're like me, you had a bit of a shocked and confused initial reaction and then you scolded yourself for being shocked and confused about something so natural and then, if you're like me, you wondered WHY you were shocked and confused. That is, again, if you're like me. And so this post is all about WHY I was shocked and confused and maybe a little bit annoyed by that picture.

I've read the comments and I know why other people are shocked and confused. They see this boy dressed in grownup clothes standing in a grownup stance suckling on a grownup woman and it seems somehow sexual to them. This is not my issue. To me, this picture is not sexual at all. This child is nowhere near puberty and the pose isn't the least bit sexual. It's not even intimate except for the mouth to boob contact and that, I think is one of the things that bothers me. Because nursing is intimate.

It took me a minute to realize exactly what was going on in the picture because the pose is so discordant with the idea of nursing a child in my mind. I have nursed three children now, my mother nursed us all and I was well past the age of knowing what was going on as she nursed my younger sisters and I've never seen such a cold, impersonal, nursing stance. That kid could be nursing off of any woman off the street. When you nurse your child (in my mind) they should be in your arms. You should be looking at them and they at you, not at a camera. (Or their eyes should be closed, rolling back in that blissful state approaching the milk drunk.)  I mean seriously, if you're going to nurse like that, you might as well pump.

This picture is provocative in so many ways. This kid in his cammo pants and his mom almost look combative, challenging. And they don't look challenging to all the "cover your boobs" people; no, the message here is not to people who can't stand the sight of a breastfeeding woman. The challenge is for the rest of us: Those who do breast feed our children but under cover and in the privacy of our own homes; those who wean at 6 months, a year, even two years. The message is, "You are inadequate, you are not the mom I am." And of course, I believe that's exactly what Time Magazine is going for. I haven't read the article (I probably only will if the magazine makes its way to the free stack in the pediatrician's office.) but I suspect that's what it's about- The ridiculous contest this generation's mothers seems to be having to adhere to the most extreme parenting style imaginable.

Now I agree with most of the ideas behind attachment parenting. I always have, even before I knew it had a name (and WHY does everything have to have a name these days?), but parenting isn't a competition. Even Dr. Sears says you have to do what works for your family. My teenagers co-slept till they were 3, but only nursed for a year, until my milk dried up from too much formula supplementation - I had to work to support them and they just didn't have very good pumps in those days. I tried co-sleeping with my current little one, but my back was killing me and he just wasn't sleeping at night. I set up a crib next to the bed where we can gaze at each other and we both sleep perfectly. I feel confident that he and I will nurse much longer than a year, since I now have to work only one day a week and my double electric breast pump fills TWO bottles in 20 minutes flat - especially when I'm engorged after spending 5 hours training dogs on Saturday morning and that's all he needs for the week because I'm with him every other minute. Same mom, different infancies, different moms... well, you get the point. We work with what we've got.

But I digress.

The other thought I had viewing the this image was - she's been breastfeeding for three years and her boobs look like that? Damn genetics. Damn airbrushing.

Still not a freaking contest.

So Many Babies

All of a sudden it seems like everyone is having babies and I'm called upon to attand more showers than I've ever experienced. I've even got a new neice on the way, which is particularly exciting since my kids, now teenagers, were the only grandkids up till now. I may be more excited about being an auntie than I was about being a mother. But its also sort of awkward because it's been about 10 years since I've interacted with a baby in any way besides performing the occasional naming ritual. I imagine it's much like riding a bike. Anyway, in the spirit of celebration of my impending auntie-ness I would like to share some of my infant blessing ritual and my child naming ceremony, both of which I have written for friends in my Circle whose babies are not babies anymore!

As far as baby gifts go On the Day You Were Born: Book and Musical CD is my favorite. But if you're looking for something more practical. Judging from the number of dog carrying purses my sister has in her wardrobe, I a fashionable diaper bag like this JJ Cole Mode Diaper Tote Bag, Cocoa Tree and because the one thing I remember the most about being pregnant is the itchy belly, I'll toss in Burt's Bees Mama Bee Belly Balm. I'll probably be writing more about babies as my impending auntie status progresses.

If you are expecting a new baby, you may want to check out the Pagan Name Database.