Pain

Women/mothers/ladies do not complain. Ladies have responsibilities to others. Ladies do not eat/bathe/dress/rest until everyone else is fed/clean/clothed/resting. Ladies do not let a little thing like pain slow them down. Women who came before us suffered long and hard to overcome a reputation as the "weaker" sex. Any sign of weakness discredits their efforts. Everyone suffers. Everyone deals. Complaining is rude. This is how I was raised.

But today, for now, after a long, tough weekend of smiling through pain; working on household projects, visiting, entertaining (cleaning and cooking in preparation for entertaining) I am going to take a moment and I am going to complain. About pain.

Everyone has it. People just deal. If other people can do it, you can. Quit sniveling. Or maybe your threshold is just way lower than the average person? Or maybe you're weak. Or maybe you just like to whine. For attention maybe?

I have two chronic pain conditions. Chronic migraine and Fibromyalgia. I cannot always afford treatment. Right now my pre-Obamacare medical bills are so crippling that I can't afford the co-pay to visit a doctor with my current insurance, so this is one of those times. This weekend I did not suffer migraine. I did suffer Fibromyalgia pain. All weekend. And I tried, I really tried, not to be a crabby bitch and I hope for my family's sake that I succeeded.

Let me tell you about Fibromyalgia pain: It is like no other pain. It is kind of like the pain you feel in all your joints when you are wracked with fever and chills. Or that ache in your joints as you thaw out after you've been benumbed with cold. (This is perhaps why I sometimes feel cold when it is in me, even though I'm not cold at all.) But it's not in the joints. It's near the joints. But not in them, really. And unlike these pains, it doesn't feel better when you apply heat or cold or massage. It feels worse.

It is something like the pain of a bruise, but not entirely. It's more like what you think a bruise would feel like if you didn't actually have one to compare it too. I dropped a 2x4 on my food the other day and have a nice black bruise with which to perform this experiment. Both spots hurt. They hurt more when you poke them, but not quite the same.

For one, the bruise is just one spot. Fibromyalgia is in a bunch of spots. Like an ugly invisible pain rash. 

Fibromyalgia pain is something like a sunburn. Sometimes there is even a bit of skin sting, the sort that makes even putting on a shirt excruciating, but mostly it's like that under the skin sting you have when you have a bad sunburn. It's usually in a sunburn spot too. My back and and my shoulders and even my scalp (My hair hurts! It feels so heavy on my aching scalp. I want to shave it off. I wish I could go to the barber and get it cut properly but I can't afford it. Maybe I will just take the clippers the boys use and shave it right off.)

And also in my neck, but in a very different way. Like the tendons there are straining. Like my head is too heavy to hold up and move around. Like it's too much of a burden for my neck. (When I have a migraine too this is especially fun and I think how nice it would be if I could figure out how to remove the damn thing.)

But also my legs. They feel so tired. I can't carry my kicking/screaming/doesn't-want-to-go-to-bed child all the way from the firepit to the bedroom without stopping to rest three times and finally asking my husband to take over. My legs were screaming. Like the muscles were overworked, fatigued, abused. 

It's not that I'm out of shape. Well, maybe a little. But I carry this kid around all the time. Just a few weeks ago, on a good day, I spent a whole day turning sod with a shovel and barely broke a sweat. Last weekend, when it wasn't a holiday and nobody expected anything from me, we spent the weekend exploring our nearest town. Window shopping, chatting up locals. And just last Thursday my 2 year old and I went on a 2 mile hike at Kensington Metropark (and saw the herons nesting, very cool). 

It's not that I'm weak. I regularly help a 200+ pound stroke victim in and out of bed/chair/shower/etc. I regularly move furniture around, lift boxes and lumber, etc.

It's not that I'm impatient. My clients remark upon my patience. I garden. I bake bread. I parent. I train animals. You can't do those things without patience.

But this weekend, today even. All those lovely fibro days, I am impatient. Apathetic. Weak. Out of shape. Grumpy. Irritable. Depressed. Short fused. Whiney. All those things.

Those things that ladies are not.

The house is not clean. I feel as if it never will be again. The baby gets to eat cereal for breakfast and run around in nothing but a diaper (it's hot. why not). The husband eats peanut butter and jelly of his own making for lunch. The cat is out of the fence and pestering the neighbor's dog and I don't care. When my son comes home and gripes at me for letting his cat out, I will probably snap at him and say something rude doubting the necessity of the cat in our household anyway. We're out of bread. I guess I'll just tell the husband to pick some up because it's not baking itself. I don't even think I want to shower or get dressed. I'd have to corral the baby first. 

Sometimes I give him the Kindle and let him watch Youtube videos in my bed while I snuggle next to him and doze. 

For hours.

So much guilt.

Sometimes I have this fantasy, and it's martyrish so it's relatively guilt-free. In it, I don't have migraine or fibromyalgia but some sort of brain cancer and I die. And this is a GOOD THING because I have life insurance. Enough to pay off all of my medical bills and other debts (except for the mortgage and student loans, the latter would go away and the former isn't such a big deal) and with the money my husband doesn't have to pay for my medical bills, he could pay for a nanny AND put money away for retirement. I can afford to die. I just can't afford to be sick.

I have learned to prevent migraines. I wear these huge obnoxious full spectrum sunglasses that cost me almost $30 every time I leave the house during the day. They are terribly scratched up so that I can barely see out of them but I can't afford to replace them and I can't afford to let the sun hit my retinas and put me down for two days, so I still wear them. I never eat more than 5 almonds at a sitting or half a grapefruit and no kiwi at all because I know these things will trigger a migraine. Sometimes I still get them, even when I did everything right, but I still feel like I have some measure of control there.

Fibromyalgia though is a mystery to me. I can't figure out how to prevent attacks. I can't correlate them with anything else except an overwhelming sense of misery and dread. It controls my life. I squeeze what I can into good days and lay around miserable on bad days, promising myself I'll get to whatever it is on a better day. 

It has come to mirror a sort of bipolar disorder.

On a good day I go manic, with the desperation of someone who knows her time is short. I will scrub the house from top to bottom. It will reek of lavender oil and vinegar mingled with the scent of baking. The garden will be weeded. The websites will be full of new posts, updates, etc. I will even write posts that will go out in the future. Because I know that soon there will be no time for posts. No time for anything but self-pity. And I will be happy they are there. I will make huge meals and freeze them, for the same reason. I am delighted with emails, posts on forums, whatever they are. I answer them cheerfully. Even if they're critical because I know that all feedback is good feedback and I am striving to improve. Yes, I can do that for you. Is there anything else you need? I am available to you. I want to help you. I like to help you. My time is yours. If I had money, you could have that too.

On a bad day, I just lay here. Everyone eats cereal. I don't care. I am pain. I can't understand you, you're talking too fast. You want something from me, don't you? Well forget it. Just go away. You're too loud.

I hate those websites. I dread checking my emails because they will make me feel shitty. I know some ungrateful idiot is going to be asking me questions he could have answered himself just by doing a quick search of the site I worked so hard on. Or they want to complain that I got something wrong at the Witchipedia or put too much personal information on PaganMichigan. Screw them. They can edit those pages their damn selves. It's open friggin source. It was never supposed to be just me. I ask for help monthly and nobody wants to help. They just want to complain. Screw them. Screw the whole damn community. Someone wants me to give them a Pagan name, but can't be bothered to fill out the whole questionnaire: well screw them then. Nobody. not one person. Not once has ever Paypal-ed me a tip, and only one has ever emailed me back to say "thank you" so why should I bother. Obviously, nobody likes the names I send them. I suck. They suck. The whole damn Pagan world wants everyone to give them everything for free. I hurt. I am pain. I can't afford a doctor and I don't have the right medicine. I hate everyone who doesn't hurt. I hate everyone who can go to the doctor. I hate everyone and their ridiculous first world problems. I hate everyone who can think clearly enough to ask a stupid question.  Whey are they bothering me after all I give them. For free. Without ever asking anything in return. Not that they'd give anything. 

Ugh. Who is this! This isn't me!!!

This is Pain. It has made me less of a Lady. It has made me less of a person. I don't like who I am when I am Pain.

My life is rain and making hay while the sun shines. The worse the rainstorm, the more desperate the haymaking...

I am two different people. So vastly vastly different. I am pain and I am joy. I am apathy and I am generosity. I am graciousness and I am resentment. I am friendly and I am suspicious. I am the one who gets things done and the one who doesn't do shit. I am a giver. I am a hater. Sometimes I do not know me. Sometimes I do not like me. Sometimes I wonder how other people could stand to be around me, how anyone could love me. Sometimes I am sure no one does because they don't care enough when I am hurting. They don't offer to help.  (But I am not supposed to think this last bit. That is not how I was raised. And now I have guilt.)

My Earth Day Resolution

It's Earth Day again and time for me to commit myself to another year of softening my footprint. Last year, I committed myself to reducing waste in my household and I've done an okay job.

Here's what I've accomplished this past year:

• I have eliminated almost completely the use of disposable sponges, paper towels, napkins and tissues through the use of washcloths, handkerchiefs and cloth napkins. The cloth napkins were the most expensive. You can get a giant bundle of washcloths at Meijer or Walmart for under $5. We do keep a roll of paper towels for cleaning up cat puke. We just bought a new roll. We bought the last one in September, that's about 6 months. Not bad.
• We use cloth diapers most days. I used cloth diapers exclusively for a long time, but when we moved and our washing machine was damaged in the process, we used disposable diapers because it wasn't practical to take cloth diapers to the once a week laundromat trip. After our washing machine was repaired and hooked up properly, we returned to using cloth diapers most of the time. We use disposables on the go, but we don't go out much. Potty training is upon us. I will be selling my cloth diaper stash the end of this summer.
• I really wanted to make an awesome compost bin and show you how I did it, but we didn't have enough time between when we moved in and the snow started. We did, however, make a compost heap at the back corner of the property. It has HUGELY reduced the amount of garbage we throw away. I also started raising composting worms. Yep, they're right next to my desk in a red plastic bin. There aren't enough of them yet to make much of a difference, but they'll reproduce. I have some pretty exciting composting ideas for this spring, so we'll see what happens.
• I signed up for biweekly recycling pickup. Though there was a period when recycling had to be dropped off and I am afraid we didn't do to well with that.
• I greatly reduced my use of plastic bags, plastic wrap & etc. I do still use aluminum foil once in awhile but the foil can be recycled. I invested in some freezer-safe containers (since I don't own a microwave they didn't need to be microwave safe) and I use those to store food and even in lunch boxes. I also re-use containers that food came in at the store. For example, I have an old coffee can with the word "FLOUR" written on it in sharpie which stores... flour... and my son has some old oatmeal containers that store various small toys. I also buy beans, rice & etc. in bulk and then store them at home in old pickle jars.
• I pack lunch boxes, and eat out less, and my husband eats out less. But I still eat more fast food than I should.
• I have shopping bags, so the cashier doesn't have to use plastic or paper. However, I don't remember to take them as often as I should.
• I am cooking from scratch much more. So we are reducing the amount of packaging we throw away from things like bread, cookies & etc. 
• I got a Kindle Fire on which I make my obsessive lists, including my shopping list, keep my obsessive notes and read endlessly. Before I got that thing I was constantly picking up a new notebook at the store because I couldn't find my old one (which inevitably turned up the next day) just so I could journal my dreams, write to do and shopping lists, jot down blog & wiki ideas, & etc. Now I do all that on the Kindle - no paper! I use the Springpad App, by the way. Also, before the Kindle my husband and I each had our own pocket calendar and the big calendar on the wall and got new ones every year. Now we use the Cozi app which keeps everyone's calandars on our Kindles or on our computers - though we do still have a big one on the wall because Grandma gives us one every year with all the family birthdays on it.

There is still more I need to do.

And so, I recommit myself to the SAME Earth Day resolution as last year. I am very proud that we're using less paper and plastic products and that we're re-using, but there are so many more things we can be doing, especially now that we're in the new house. That is - I resolve to greatly reduce waste in my household and life. This I do in honor of the sacred Earth, our Mother!

Here are just a few things:

• We need to improve the insulation of the basement and attic and caulk the windows before next winter to reduce the amount of fuel oil required to keep the house warm. I can't believe how much fuel oil was wasted this year! Out the windows!
• We need to produce more of our own food to reduce the packaging, not to mention the fuel, we use to bring food into the house. We can eliminate such things as egg cartons and plastic produce bags quite easily. I can also cook more things from scratch, especially using home grown products, to further reduce packaging. Some things we use regularly that I could make myself in the next year: pasta, canned tomatoes, tomato sauce, marinara sauce, mayonnaise, salad dressings, tortillas, perogies.
• We need to get the workshop set up in the garage and the sewing machine set up... wherever I can find space... and we need to learn to repair things and make things.
• We should get an energy audit.

One thing I has given me a great deal of trouble over the past few months is the issue of waste at work. Now I don't really have a full time job per se, (unless you count homemaker, mom and webmistress) but I do work outside the home periodically. Over the past few months I have been a home health aide, an office manager and nanny. I am also a dog trainer but I haven't had a client since November, so whatever. As a home health aid I start to feel really guilty about the 10th time I put on a fresh pair of rubber gloves. The endless use of paper towels at work as a home health aide and as a nanny is also squirmworthy. Working in the office I can't believe the boss really needs two copies of everything and that I have to print out every email he receives. WTH? So much paper! So glad I don't have to do that all the time.

Granted, I spend a lot of paper drawing. But I do use recycled paper.

Some more challenges I have experienced and anticipate experiencing:

• Money- We're chronically short on cash so things like insulating the basement and attic are challenging. #1 priority before next winter is putting a door on the stupid basement so the cold can stop creeping up the stairs!
• Time- The truth is, I have plenty of time. But my husband does not. He's got his full time day job (so grateful he does!) and he's almost a full time musician. He likes it that way. I am not overly thrilled. This means that I am almost always primarily responsible for supervising the toddler. Not easy to do when power tools are involved. It also means I rarely have that extra hand for things like, you know, holding a door in place while it gets attached to hinges. True I have a teenage boy, but he also works and goes to school full time and is somewhat cantankerous. 
• Organization - I have found that the biggest cause of waste around here is poor organization. When you get behind on laundry, paper towels and disposable diapers get used. When you get behind on dishes, take out becomes a big temptation and baking becomes a chore instead of a pleasure. When you haven't cleaned the fridge in awhile, you never know what's rotting & wasting in there. When you don't plan the menu ahead of time, you don't get the shopping list right and you buy stuff you don't need and have to take extra trips out for stuff you do need. And of course, when you're not organized, you don't have time, and your money just disappears without being noticed.

So there you go. Revisiting, continuing. Reducing waste! Reduce, reuse, recycle. Etc.

And I'll ask again, though I've never gotten an answer before - What's your Earth Day Resolution?

My Views on Minimum Wage

My daughter is a big advocate of raising the minimum wage to $11 from its current rate of $7.40 here in Michigan. I believe she is such a big advocate because she and her boyfriend make minimum wage. She only has one job. He has 3. They do okay. They could do better.

Because she feels so passionately about the subject, I am forced to think about it often and the subject is starting to grow on me. I may have felt more passionate about it when she was little when I did work minimum wage and never had less than 2 jobs as the primary caretaker for two children who might have wanted to hang out with me once in awhile. But then I didn't have time to think about things like that. And now it is to me more a matter of logic than one of emotion. Allow me to demonstrate.

If you make minimum wage, and you work 40 hours a week (in my experience this does not happen often because employers who can't be bothered to pay their employees a living wage also don't want to call them "full time" with any sort of benefits to go along with that status), you will earn about $250 a week, after taxes. Possibly less if you have no dependents, but we're going to work with that number because it's nice and round. If you're working in a month with 4 weeks, that's $1000 per month ($1,184 gross). Another nice round number. Let's take that number and play with it a bit.
(I admit I suck at math, but I'm going to do this anyway)

On a side note, I would like to point out that the poverty threshold in Michigan government for a single person household with no dependents is $11,344 and benefits are available to those earning up to 150% of poverty or $17,016 which pretty much qualifies all minimum wage workers to government benefits. Someone would have to earn $8.87 per hour and work full time to exceed this limit. So logic dictates that the minimum wage should be at least $8.87 per hour.

I truly believe that employers who rely on the government to feed their full-time employees is the greatest drain we have on our society today and it's really a pity that legislation has to be considered to put an end to it. But I digress. As usual.

Let's begin.

Here in Michigan you can get a decent 1 bedroom apartment for about $450, a two bedroom for $700 and lot rent in a trailer park is about $400. The income to housing payment guidelines used by most landlords in reviewing rental applications is 30%. That's $355 for someone making minimum wage. That means that a full-time minimum wage earner cannot even qualify for a one bedroom apartment. And let's say that the landlord lets it slide and rents them a $450 one-bedroom apartment anyway.

After rent, said minimum-wage earner will have $550 left. I'm going to be generous and assume that the landlord pays for heat, water and garbage pickup. Chances are electricity will not be included. Now I pay about $200 per month for electricity, despite my many energy saving schemes, but I have a big house with lots of people in it and lots of electronics that I don't think my single minimum wage earner can afford, so let's figure he pays about $75 per month in electricity. He'll need a phone, whether it's a cellphone or a house phone, for safety reasons at the very least, so let's say he's frugal and that'll be about $50 per month. We're at $425. And I believe I'm being very conservative with my estimates.

Let's say our guy is a pretty good cook and buys real food, spending about $50 per week. I can't believe he has a garden because of the nature of his apartment so he'll have to buy all of his food. I hope he doesn't live in Detroit, because I hear food is really expensive there. So now we're at $225 per month. Of course I am assuming he isn't getting his food from the government or a food pantry.

Not bad. But I'm going to assume he has a car so he can get to his job. That's what? $50 per month in gas, assuming he was lucky enough to get an apartment close to work and about $100 per month for insurance. We'll assume the car was a gift and he doesn't have to pay a monthly payment on it. We're at $75 now.

So, what can you buy for $75?

• An internet connection OR cable (not both). - But not a TV or computer.
• An outfit OR a pair of shoes (not both) I hope he doesn't have to pay for his own uniforms. I hope he's really a he and doesn't have to buy bras too.
• Oh wait, I didn't count things like toilet paper, razers, soap, dish soap, laundry soap, toothpaste...
• Maybe a chair or a mattress from the Salvation Army
• Some car maintenance, as long as nothing actually needs fixing.
• Oh man, I didn't count his health insurance either. Well, maybe he won't get sick. He probably doesn't get paid time off anyway. Oh wait, he probably qualifies for state assistance. No worries then.
• I hope he's got good teeth and doesn't need glasses
• About 12 hours of daycare. It's a good thing this guy doesn't have any kids. But no worries, if he did, the government would pay for his daycare at a substandard rate.

Now let's assume the same guy makes the new proposed minimum wage of $11 per hour and has the exact same expenses. (I actually find $11 per hour a little high, but I'm going with it anyway.) I'll even put him in a higher tax bracket and leave him with $1500 per month.
That leaves him with $725. Oh wait, he doesn't qualify for state health insurance anymore so let's get him a nice health plan and knock it down to $525

So, what can you buy for $525?

• Both internet and cable
• An outfit, complete with bra and shoes and a haircut and a mani-pedi
• A trip to the Dentist
• A new pair of glasses
• A date
• A night out with the boys
• A complete bedroom set from the Salvation Army or a few nice pieces from your neighborhood furniture store
• A car payment on a new, safe car
• Or some repairs on your old car
• A class or two at a local college
• About two weeks of pre-school, if he had a kid, which he doesn't, of course.

More importantly, what does this give the community?

• He's no longer getting government funds and he's paying more taxes, potentially lower taxes for the rest of us or maybe those taxes would be spent on other things, like education, potholes, parks and mental health services.
• More income from more customer activity for his local internet and cable company, clothing store, doctor, dentist, eye doctor, restaurant, bar, theater, furniture store, auto mechanic and college and potentially many more.
• A more well-educated neighbor and potential employee.
• A neighbor who is less likely to resort to illegal activity to get by- people who are well educated are less likely to commit violent crimes as are people who are well-fed. 
• A neighbor who is driving a car that is safer and less likely to malfunction and cause an accident you might be the victim of.
• A healthier neighbor, less likely to spread disease when you visit his workplace or he visits yours.

But wait! I know there are so many arguments against raising the minimum wage. Arguments that look like these:

1. Minimum wage jobs are mainly for teenagers anyway.
If this were true, MacDonald's wouldn't be open during school hours.

Besides, any employer would rather hire an adult over a teenager. Teenagers are notoriously unreliable and have a reputation for not taking their jobs seriously.

Also, many places have policies against hiring anyone under 18 for liability reasons. If you work with animals, chemicals, alcohol, certain machinery (slicers), you don't get the job if you're under 18 because employers don't want your mommy suing them when you lose a finger. (And of course the law requires that you be over 18 to sell alcohol).

2. Well college kids then.
Really? In the above example, our minimum-wage-earner has no dream of going to college on that income unless he takes out a butt load of loans and spends the rest of his life in debt. No, grant is ever going to cover everything unless you're some sort of sports star.

When I was in college full time and getting financial aid in the form of grants, loans and the workstudy program I still had to work an additional minimum wage job AND I got foodstamps and medicaid. And guess who is paying $200 a month for the rest of her life for the privilege of doing so. (I will NEVER recommend anyone take out student loans. Ever.)

Any employer who expects his employees to rely on the government for their livelihood is screwing the entire country. Not just his employees.

3. These are all "stepping stone" jobs. Nobody expects them to be a career.
Why does this have to be true? It doesn't. These jobs require specialized skills and special personalities to do them well. Some people are really good at retail and food service jobs and find that they really enjoy doing them. These are the people you want to keep. You keep them by paying them a living wage.

Unfortunately, if you're really good at a job and you can't make ends meet doing it, you are forced to seek employment elsewhere. There are TONS of mediocre cubical dwellers who would make excellent grill masters, cashiers, kennel workers, and retail associates if only they could make enough money to eat doing what they love. Instead they're stuck doing something they can only put half effort into while the jobs they'd love to do are filled with people who would do anything to get out.

Wouldn't it be better for everyone if people worked at the drive through because they love working at the drive through and worked in the office because they love working in the office?

Imagine a world where the guy you buy your pizza from LOVES making pizza and spends his free time perfecting his kneading technique. And the lady who sells you shoes LOVES shoes and spends her free time researching the latest fashions and fitting methods. And the person who takes care of your dog at the kennel loves working at the kennel, has been there for years and knows you and your dog by name. And you can always depend on them to be there because they're earning a living wage.

Instead we have a world where these people must sadly turn away from jobs they love to work at jobs they hate just so they can make ends meet and they are replaced by people who only took their beloved job because they "couldn't find anything better".

I hated working in an office at $18 per hour and loved picking up poop for minimum wage. If I could pick up poop for say $12 per hour, I'd do it forever. I really would. But I can't afford to pay daycare so that I can pick up poop for minimum wage, so I don't do it. Wouldn't  you rather I took care of your dog, (which I'm good at) rather than handling your sensitive documents (which I suck at and hate)? Instead you've got someone who doesn't know the first thing about dogs working at the kennel "until something better comes along".

4. If we raise minimum wage, employers will have to fire people
This may be true in the short term, but I am sure it'll all balance out. Remember that guy in our example who couldn't even afford an outfit and a pair of shoes at the current minimum wage who also hit the salon at the proposed new minimum wage?

It's true that some employers won't be able to pay all of their employees if the minimum wage goes up. But very soon some employers will find that demand for their products have increased dramatically due to a larger percentage of people who can afford them in the community and they will have to hire more employees to meet the demand.

5. These minimum wage jobs are unimportant and do not require any special skills
Seriously? Minimum wage workers prepare your food, care for your children and pets and make and sell the products you use every day. Do you really want unskilled workers caring for your infant child while you're at work? I think not. How safe do you feel about the prospect of eating hamburgers prepared by people who haven't learned about food safety?

When you go to work at MacDonald's, you have to learn food safety. You have to learn how to work the cash register and their myriad food-like substance creating machines. These are all skills you are learning. And while you're learning these skills, you are slowing down the productivity of the entire operation. And in a few months when someone offers you $8.50 to go work at Wendy's, you're going to take your skills and go. And when someone offers you $9.00 to work at 5 Guys, you're going to take your skills and go again until finally someone says "Hey, you can work in my office for $15 an hour and actually eat real food occasionally" all those skills just went to hell. All the effort someone put into teaching you those skills were wasted. Even if you HATE working in an office and LOVE working fast food, you will leave and your former employer is going to have to teach someone else that skill set and it's going to have a negative impact on his productivity.

What if instead you learned all those skills and stayed. What if your employer valued your skills and paid you a living wage and when you were offered a job from another store he was willing to pay you more to keep you? Then when your friend came along and said "Hey you can make $15 per hour working in my office" you might say "You know what, I think I can continue making $12 an hour doing something I love and I am good at." And your friend would have a better office worker in the end, because he'd hire someone who didn't hate the job and already had the skillset.


I know, I sound a little Communist here, but I really believe everyone should do what they are good at and what they love. I believe that if everyone could survive doing what they are good at, that everyone would receive better service, better care and better products. This can not happen when the wage disparity is so great.

What confuses me is that people make lots of money sitting in offices typing numbers into spreadsheets while other people are sweating over hot grills, dealing with angry customers and cleaning up other peoples' crap and making barely enough to survive. That's unnatural. Or at least it should be. My husband says the people who work the hardest make the least, and in many cases I think this is true, but it's stupid. The people we as a society depend on deserve more. We need to remember that we depend on them and treat them accordingly.

On Feeding Toddlers

I am not a child development expert, nor am I a nutritionist. But I have three kids and I have cared for considerably more. I currently have a toddler and I discuss such things as feeding with other parents pretty regularly. I have learned a thing or two in my time and I am going to share it with you.

Feeding toddlers need not be complicated, but I find many people make it complicated. This is a shame. Because eating is a fun activity and we parents of toddlers need as many of those as possible to squeeze out the less fun activities, like rescuing the cat and washing crayon off the wall.

What do you feed a toddler?

The first and most important consideration is what to feed your toddler. Please, please, please feed him real food. If he doesn't have any other options he will eat real food and let us remember that our goal is not so much to raise a good child as to raise a good adult; An adult who can get along at a company dinner or his in-laws house without embarrassing himself and who doesn't suffer from an eating disorder or a food-related disease such as obesity or diabetes (or both). Keep this goal in mind and remember that your kid won't starve to death if he doesn't eat everything at every meal. There are more important factors beyond this meal.

Your Toddler's Breakfast

It is my observation that many people feed their toddlers cold cereal for breakfast on a regular basis. Worse, they feed them sugar-coated-strange-colored-is-this-really-food-? cereal for breakfast. Not only does this do nothing to help their developing brains (and I suspect it's actually detrimental) it virtually guarantees behavior difficulties at some point in your morning. It also sensitizes your child's taste buds to sugar. This makes the "normal" amount of sugar according to his sensibilities gradually higher and higher. He builds up a resistance and whatever sugar cravings he has is going to need more sugar to satisfy. Everyone has sugar cravings, it's just a matter of how much sugar you need to get over it.... Take a moment in your morning rush to think of the health of the adult you are creating when you make that much sugar normal.

So what do you feed your kid? Well, if you must feed him cereal, stick to things that aren't sugar coated and that are somewhat of a natural color, like Cheerios. But your child should start the day with more protein and fat than that, so topping it with flax seed or ground walnuts is a good idea. A serving a fruit will also not go amiss.

That being said, I prefer to cook. Oatmeal is really easy to make (I mean real oatmeal, not the sugar filled instant packets) and so are eggs.

My favorite breakfast for toddlers old fashioned oatmeal cooked with raisins, candied ginger and cinnamon and topped with ground walnuts or pecans and freshly ground flax seeds. You can make this in a crock pot or steamer with a timer if you like, but I just put it all in a sauce pan with water to soak overnight and turn on the burner in the morning when I put the coffee on. When the coffee's done, so's the oatmeal. (In reality, you don't even have to heat up the oatmeal, it will soften up in the fridge overnight and be perfectly edible in the morning, but I like mine warm.)
Use old fashioned oatmeal. Use enough liquid to equal the volume of all your other ingredients (oatmeal & fruit & etc.)
Now the magic is in the details - The raisins don't have to be raisins, any dried fruit will do. I like to use dried apples or dates sometimes or a combination. Fresh fruit is also good, but leaving it soaking overnight is not as good an idea.
I use candied ginger because I like the taste. I don't add any additional sugar. Ginger also stimulates the appetite.
I use cinnamon because it helps regulate blood sugar, which helps prevent hyperactivity and meltdowns. (it also stimulates the appetite)
I use only freshly ground flax seed and nuts and I always add them at the end after cooking because their oils are very valuable to the developing brain and I don't want to let them be destroyed by heat or time. These make the oatmeal too thick, but adding some milk or soy milk at this point soon fixes that problem.

Another favorite is scrambled eggs. I sometimes serve this with some fried potatoes or whole wheat toast and always include some fruit in season. I always scramble the eggs with vegetables, usually spinach. Simply put a little (real) butter in a pan and melt it. Add the spinach and let it cook till it wilts (or thaws if it's frozen), pour the scrambled eggs over top and sprinkle with Parmesan cheese. Cook slowly, so it is tender and not rubbery.

A Toddler's Lunch

I have also observed that the standard toddler lunch involves chicken nuggets or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and carrot sticks. This is... not a lunch... I'm not sure what that is. Aside from the dried-up lathe-spun carrots, I'm not sure there's any food involved.

Let us remember that our children are supposed to have FIVE fruits and vegetables a day- preferably five different ones. And this is simply not difficult. Your grocery store sells big bags full of pre-cooked frozen vegetables. It takes less time to dump some of them into a saucepan with a little water and simmer than it does to spread peanut butter and jelly on white bread and certainly no longer than heating up those frozen chicken nuggets.

For lunch, we usually have leftovers from dinner the night before plus some heated up frozen vegetables and some fruit if needed to round out the meal. I do not worry too much about protein at this point because my little one usually gets enough protein from his snacks, breakfast and dinner, but it's a balancing act. It's important to always know the plan so you can strike a balance. If extra protein is needed, I will fry up some cubes of tofu for him. He loves tofu.

One of my Sunshine's favorite lunches (he asks for it by name) is fried rice. I use leftover brown rice (I always cook up a bunch extra and store it in the fridge) and frozen mixed vegetables (peas, carrots, green beans, corn). First I heat some safflower or sunflower oil in a pan and grate some ginger and garlic into it and saute it just a bit till it's fragrant. Then I add the frozen veggies and toss them a bit and add some dehydrated onion and maybe a dash or two of soy sauce. When the veggies are thawed and begun softening, I add the rice and cook till hot. If we didn't have eggs for breakfast, I'll crack and egg or two into it and mix it up, cook till the egg is set.

Toddler Snacks

We do two snacks a day. One we call second breakfast at about 10 am and one we call the after nap snack around 4 pm. If we are going to be out at that time we make sure to bring a snack along. I try to pair a piece of fruit with a bit of protein if I can. Here are some wonderful toddler snacks:

• Carrots (& other veggies) with hummus (I will steam the carrots a bit so they're tender crisp, easier to chew & digest)
• Apple slices with cheese or peanut butter (or sun butter) (Stick to all natural peanut butter, the hydrogenated kind is no good for anybody)
• Avocado slices & cherry tomatoes or grapes (cut in half) (Avocados are chock full of good brain building fats)
• Berries in season or stewed and cooled dried fruit and yogurt (use plain yogurt and add the fruit and sweetener itself so you can control what's going into it. Flavored yogurt often has more sugar than fruit in it and Greek yogurt is often full of thickeners. You can thicken non-Greek yogurt by straining it with a cheesecloth.)
• Whole wheat crackers with cheese or peanut butter (make sure to spread the peanut butter thin to avoid choking)

And Dinner

At dinner your child should eat what you are eating. (I hope you are feeding yourself well.) You should eat together, at the same table. 

But How to Get Your Kid to Eat?

First, understand that your child does not have to eat everything in front of him all the time. Getting that through your head now will make everyone's lives a lot easier, including his. Forcing your child to eat everything on his plate when he doesn't want to just makes dinner time into a battle and encourages unhealthy attitudes toward food. So don't bother. Give him three meals and two snacks a day and let him eat as much as he wants. But there are some ways to get him to eat more.

Eat with him.

When you put your kid in a chair and put food in front of him and walk away, there is really no surprise that he's going to spend the next half hour playing with his food, trying to feed it to the dog and fussing to get down (or if he can get down, wandering off). Join him. Eat with him, even if it's only a little bit. Give him your attention. Talk about the food, the weather, whatever. It's good for him.

Give Thanks

Children thrive on ritual and making grace a ritual part of a meal can trigger your child's sense of "what comes next" i.e. eating. Here is mine- "The Earth gives us the food we eat, the sun warms it and makes it sweet, we remember all who give of themselves so we may live."

Just Feed Him

None of this "what do you want?", "Can I get you some of this?" nonsense. Do not fret about whether or not he will eat. Make the food. Put it in front of him. He'll either eat it or he won't. If you spend 20 minutes trying to figure out what he's going to eat only to have him maybe eat it, you'll just make yourself crazy. If he doesn't eat it today, he'll eat it tomorrow. He will get hungry. He will not let himself starve.

Feed him on Time

Again, kids like ritual. If you feed him at the same time every day it will get easier. If he always knows that lunch comes after Sesame Street or the walk in the park or coloring time, then he will always be ready for lunch at that time. If there is no routine and lunch is sometimes at noon and sometimes at 2pm, it's no surprise his eating habits aren't that good. If you want your child to be well-behaved, you're going to have to discipline yourself first. 

Eliminate Distractions

I can't believe how many people let their kids eat in front of the TV and then wonder why they won't focus on their meal. Or worse, make them sit at the table with their backs to the TV while other people are watching it. The TV should be well away from the table (like on a different floor of the house) or off during meals. Other distractions should also be eliminated. Make picking up toys part of your pre-meal routine so they're not scattered about providing distractions during meals. Make sure your child's diaper is clean and that he's comfortable and insist that everyone sit at the table during meal times, to avoid the distraction of people walking around. And put the pets in another room.

Let Them Play
I don't know why some folks get so upset about kids playing with food. At this age, a child with a cup is going to pour liquid onto his dinner plate. He's going to squish rice, potatoes and whatever else between his fingers to see how it feels. That is okay. He's engaging with his food, even if he isn't eating it all. He may not eat it today. Just assume he's making friends with his food so that one day he'll feel comfortable enough to eat it. This is how he learns. I promise, your child will not play with his food in this way for the rest of his life and if you don't make all excited about it, he'll get over it sooner.

Notice that there is nothing up there about making your kids sit at the table till their plates or empty or promising them a treat after they eat or making them eat one more bite. These tactics are not helpful in the long run and should be avoided. Give your child 30 minutes to eat, or until everyone else is done eating (whichever takes longer) and then clean up the meal and set him loose. He'll eat when he's hungry. Giving him nutrient poor foods, like processed chicken-like-substances, mystery fruit snacks and white bread simply defeats the purpose so don't give into it.

I know, I know, who am I? What do I know? I am a mother with three kids ages 2 to 21 who always eat their vegetables (they don't like all vegetables, mind you), have passable table manners and do not have overly developed sweet teeth (though they do like a treat once in awhile) and who do not have any eating disorders or weight problems.  And I am a nanny who has no problem getting "finicky" kids to eat as long as their parents aren't around (sometimes it takes a few meals, but I do always win). So there's my advice for what it's worth. If anyone else has any comments or suggestions they are very welcome!

Drawing Update:Heart Day Resolution

This is just an update on my Heart Day Resolution which was to learn to draw.
I really LOVE the book You Can Draw in 30 Days: The Fun, Easy Way to Learn to Draw in One Month or Less which I have finished. I've actually been through it twice. (The first time was two years ago.)

I am currently working on the book Animal Art by Lee J. Ames, which is about 40 years old and has been floating around my household for.. I dunno, possibly 40 years? It doesn't have a lot of instruction, just images to practice. So I've been practicing.

And here is a drawing I did of a client's dog during an overnight shift.

I am getting better.

My Heart Day Resolution - Belated

I know this was due on February 14, or thereabouts but I have been having trouble getting my writing done lately. Rest assured, I did dedicate my heart day resolution on time and I actually began working on it a little ahead of schedule. I have proof. But hold on.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, check out my original post on the subject at http://sacredhearthblog.blogspot.com/2013/02/my-heart-day-resolution-pre-amble.html

Before I begin focusing on this year's resolution, I'm going to review a bit of last year's. Last year I resolved to lose 30 pounds. Did I lose 30 pounds? NO. 

But, I did develop better eating and exercising habits, learned to better manage my stress and reached out to my doctor and learned my thyroid is all out of whack so it's not entirely my fault. So, something was accomplished. In fact, I would say that though the letter of the resolution wasn't exactly met, the spirit of the resolution was met. Although I did not lost 30 pounds, I am firmer, I have more energy and I feel better all around. I'm not going to stress the numbers. I can't afford new clothes anyway. And I think the rest of the weight will come off on its own once this nightmarish winter is over and I can get out in the garden again.

And now, on to this year's goal. 

I am going to learn to draw. 

This is something I've always wanted to do and been frustrated because I "couldn't". On many occasions I have asked, begged, pleaded various friends and family members to draw things for me for various projects I have worked on, offering to pay in many cases, and almost always I am shut down. Or worse, they say they'll do it and never "get around to it". And then I'm all pissed off at my friend or family member, while still trying to be polite because we love each other after all, because they are holding up the show and they don't see what the big deal is. It's time to do it on my own. 

So, we will examine the goal according to the criteria I set forth a year ago.

1. It must be attainable and realistic.

Yes, I think so. My hands shake more than most people, but we'll just call that part of my style.
2. It must be something that results in a tangible, measurable change. That is, I can say here is the proof that I have achieved this goal and point to it.

I will post pictures and we will all say, "Oh hey look how much better she is."
3. It must have a reasonable deadline. In the case of my Heart Day (and other) resolution, the deadline is one year. Yes

It is one thing to set a goal and give myself a deadline but the most important thing is to keep myself on track. These are the steps I will take to do that:
1. I will assign regular check in days to review my progress. I will make this the 14th of each month.- 

I will post pictures that I have drawn and exercises that I have done. I will also let you know what books I am working on and
2. I will create mini-goals to accomplish throughout the year. One per month, to give myself little victories and successes to keep myself positive and so that I am not trying to do everything all at once.

I will think about this, at first it will probably be to complete the exercises in a specific book, then I will give myself larger projects to work on.
3. I will share with you, dear readers, my progress and what I learned in pursuit of my goals. In part to keep myself honest and also to maybe help you out on similar goals. 

Exploring My Goals
I will structure my Resolutions with a series of questions to give me a clear view of what I'm trying to accomplish and what my path will be.

Why do I want to achieve this goal? 

I have always wanted to be able to draw. I could when I was a teenager, when I took a class in High School with an awesome teacher, but I got out of practice.
How will it benefit me?

I will be less reliant on others to finish projects. This will reduce bad feelings between me and others would could help. It will give me an artistic outlet, relieve stress and make my writing more visually appealing, possibly increasing my income.
What are the drawbacks?

It will take time and practice.
How does it fit my values?

Artistic expression is path to Arete for sure.
What are my obstacles?
Laziness, lack of time to practice, frustration when things don't look just right the first time.

How will I measure success?

When I am ready, next spring, to begin working on my series of children's activity books because I am confident enough to actually do the drawings myself. Maybe the books will be next year's heart day resolution!
What are some habits I will need to develop to make this a success?

Taking time to practice, keeping my drawing materials on me at all times so I can sneak in time to practice.
Some mini-goals I can accomplish along the way?
Draw a dog, draw a plant, complete exercises in books, videos, maybe take a class if I can scrounge the money

Check-In
Each month I will post my pictures and notes about techniques I am learning, books I'm learning from.

Here is the first-

This based on exercises from the book:

You Can Draw in 30 Days: The Fun, Easy Way to Learn to Draw in One Month or Less by Mark Kistler
(Highly Recommended)

Baking Bread from Scratch

Once a week I bake bread. Possibly twice this week because it went really fast. It took me awhile to get the hang of it, but I've got a system now and it's very simple. Because I believe everyone should bake their own bread for the money savings if not the health benefits, I am going to share my system with you.

This makes two lovely loaves.

First: the Ingredients

Flour 

I use half whole wheat and half enriched white flour. This is a compromise that results in a nice, soft bread that the whole family enjoys. You can also add some soy flour for protein or oat flour for its many health benefits, but no more than a 1/2 cup.

You will need about 4 cups (probably a little more) of flour for this recipe.

Yeast  

Yeast isn't necessary for every type of bread, but it is for this type. I use regular active dry yeast. Not breadmaker yeast, not brewers yeast, not nutritional yeast. Yeast is leavening. It feeds on the sugars in the dough and produces waste in the form of air bubbles which result in a nice, fluffy loaf.

You will need 2 tablespoon of active dry yeast for this recipe.

Water

I am convinced that my ultimate bread-making success is an issue of water. A transplant from New York, I have been telling people for years that New York pizza dough resulted from New York's mineral rich water, so when I moved from city water to a well, I believed it was the mineral content in my well that was the secret to my bread making success, but after further reflection, I think it's the complete lack of chlorine that does it. I am not 100% sure of this, but if you have city water and you are having trouble getting your bread to turn out right, try buying a gallon of spring water to see if that helps.

The water that you use to make bread should be quite warm. It should feel like a nice, warm bath. Not a hot tub. It should feel warm, but not hot, when you put your finger in it. I know there's a specific temperature it should be, but I have no idea what that is. The temperature of the water is important because this is what will wake your yeast up.

You can use milk instead of water or add powdered milk for extra protein and nutrition. You can even experiment with other liquids later, after you've got the system down. The only important thing to remember is to keep it nice and comfy warm.

You will need two cups of warm water for this recipe.

Sugar

Sugar feeds your yeast and gets it active. You don't really need sugar using my method, it just gets things moving quicker. Your yeast can feed off of the sugars in the flour just fine, though the rising process may take a bit longer. If you're using milk, your yeast will enjoy feeding off that sugar as well and I personally haven't noticed any rising delays when using milk and omitting sugar. This is a good way to use up your milk or buttermilk when you are starting to suspect it's turned bad but it's not yet foul enough that you can throw it away without hesitation.

For sugar you can use: white sugar, brown sugar, molasses, honey, syrup

But do not use: stevia, artificial sweetener

You will notice color differences in your finished product when using different amounts of sugar. The flavor will vary as well, of course.

You will need two tablespoons of sugar, honey or syrup of your choice for this recipe.

Salt 

Salt adds flavor to the bread and really offsets the other ingredients, but that is not the only reason we add salt to bread. It is an important part of the fermentation process. It reacts with the yeast and also with the gluten in the flour, to help create the perfect rise and the perfect dough. While baking, salt helps retain moisture in the loaf and with experimentation you will notice that the amount of salt you use directly affects the nature of your crust. More salt results in a harder crust. 

I use two tablespoons of salt for my bread, you may wish to vary this according to taste. 

Oil

Oil is not necessary in bread. However, I have found that when I omit (or forget) the oil, my bread turns out somewhat dry and crumbly and doesn't stand up well to being spread with anything. Any oil or melted fat will work. I like to add the oil to the water before I mix both with my dry ingredients. That way, if you're using melted butter or lard, the heat will kind of disperse into the water and you won't scald your delicate little  yeasties.  I usually use safflower oil or coconut oil.

You will need two tablespoons of oil or fat for this recipe.

Next: The Tools

These tools make breadmaking easier, but every one is optional.

Bowl

I have a big ceramic bowl that I use just for rising bread in. I recommend a nice, thick ceramic bowl for rising as the ceramic will help hold the temperature. For mixing a stainless steel bowl will do. If you don't have either of these, make due with what you have. The rising bowl must be big enough to hold at least twice the volume of dough that you have, bigger is better. 

Mixer

A stand mixer or electric mixer can help with the sponge phase of breadmaking, but that isn't a big deal. They aren't much help with the rest of it as bread dough is much too tough for an electric mixer and even a stand mixer using a bread hook struggles with it. 

My recommendation is a really big whisk and a heavy duty wooden spoon. Or just the spoon.

Kneading Board

The hardest part of baking bread for me is finding the space to knead. I don't have a special board and you don't need to either. The kitchen table or counter top will work if you just wipe it off and dust it with flour. 

Loaf Pans

Since this recipe makes two loaves, you may want two loaf pans. I have a cast iron pan and a earthenware pan and I can't decide which one I like best. I also have an aluminum pan that I do not like one bit. You do need a loaf pan for quick breads, but this bread is nice and solid so you can just form it into a loaf and it'll pretty much hold its shape. It'll get fatter, but it'll stay the same shape.

Now: Let's Do This

1. Make the Sponge

For this part, there is two of everything: 

2 cups of flour (I use all whole wheat flour for this part) (you will need at least 2 more cups later)

2 cups of warm water

2 tablespoons oil 

2 teaspoons salt 

2 tablespoons sugar. 

1. Make the Sponge First, I combine the oil and water in a 2 cup measuring cup and all the dry ingredients in a mixing bowl. Then I dump the water & oil in the bowl and mix until I get a smooth batter, kind of like pancake batter. (sorry, I neglected to take a picture of this)

This is a nice, bubbly sponge

Then I go write an article or play with the baby or clean something. In about an hour I come back and check on the batter to see if it is bubbly. If it's not I go do something else and check again in another hour. If it is, I move on to the next step. If it never gets bubbly, I grow concerned about the health of my yeast and do some experiments to make sure it's alive and start over with new yeast if necessary.







2. Mix the Dough Now I gradually add 2 more cups of flour to the sponge, about a half cup at a time. If you are using a stand mixer, you should use the dough hook for this part. If you are using a spoon, mix gently, scooping along the outside and gliding in. Do not "cut" the dough with your spoon.

I usually use white flour or a combination of whole wheat and white for this part. Keep adding flour until it is really hard to mix the dough and it is forming a solid ball.

3. Knead the Dough Sprinkle some flour on a clean counter top or other surface and dump your ball of dough onto it and sprinkle some more flour on top. Now you will knead it. To knead your dough, push down in the center with the heal of your hand, then catch the end that squishes out in front of your hand and fold it back over the top, rotate the dough a quarter turn, switch hands and repeat. (I like to switch hands because it's easier on my bad elbow.) This is an excellent workout.

As you knead, whenever your dough starts to feel sticky, sprinkle some flour over the top and knead it in. Your goal is to be able to knead your dough 100 times without adding any flour. The dough should feel smooth and dusty and when you pinch a bit it should feel like an earlobe between your fingers. How much dough you use here depends on humidity and such factors beyond my control, so I can't definitively say how much flour you'll use here. (Honestly, after the sponge phase I don't measure anymore. I just keep adding flour till it's right,)

I'm sorry I don't have any pictures of the actual kneading process, it's kind of impossible and probably wouldn't help much without video anyway.

4. Let it Rise Drizzle a little of your favorite oil or some melted butter into the bottom of a large bowl. Form the dough ball into a nice round. um. ball. Plop it in the bottom of the bowl and roll it all around so it's completely coated with oil. Cover it with a damp cloth and put it in a warm, draft free spot.

Now go for a walk, run out to for a quick trip to the store, weed the garden, fold some laundry or play a rousing game of Kinect Super Party with a toddler. In an hour or two come back and check on your dough. When it's twice the size it was before, it's ready for the next step. (And I neglected to take a picture of that too.)

I keep my house at 68 degrees Fahrenheit during the day in the winter and my dough always rises just fine. Of course I usually have a bunch of other stuff going in the kitchen so it's a little warmer in there. On warmer days the dough will rise faster, on cooler days it'll rise slower.

**If you have to go to work or bed, you can wrap your dough tightly in waxed paper or plastic and put it in the fridge for several hours or even a day or two before you move on to step 5. A few hours before you're ready to bake them, take them out and continue with step 5. They will take longer to rise, but otherwise will be fine.

A free form loaf on an old pizza pan

5. Shape Your Loaves Make a fist and sink it right in the middle of your risen dough. Punch it good, several times. Then take it out of the bowl and put it back on your floured counter. It will feel quite different now, and that's okay. Stretch it out into a long oval and twist it in the middle to break it into two pieces, then shape it to fit your loaf pans, or shape it into a stand-alone loaf or several buns or sub buns or whatever you like.  Turn on your oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit.

A loaf in a cast iron loaf pan

Then cover these with a damp cloth and wash up your bowl, clean up your flour-covered counter and then go catch up your Hulu queue.

Come back and check on them in an hour or two.

ready to bake

 6. Bake Some Bread Once your dough has risen to about half again the size it was before, you're ready to bake. Make sure your oven is preheated to 350 degrees Fahrenheit and pop them in. If you like a really chewy crust, put a pan of water in there with them.

Set the time for 45 minutes and proceed to do whatever else you need to do around the house.


7. Enjoy! I like to let the loaves cool for about 15 minutes in the loaf pan and then take them out to finish up cooling on a towel. Although fresh, hot bread is amazingly delicious, it slices better when it's completely cool, so the first slice is usually breakfast the next morning.

For freshness, store your bread in an air tight container and don't slice it till you're ready to use it.

Yum! This is some delicious breakfast!

My two favorite loaf pans: