Taking Care of Business. And Myself.

I haven't been as retired as I may seem. I've been working a lot on the websites. I'm sort of auditing everything at the moment. It's got to be done. I am feeling better.

My husband's job is back. His real job. The one we moved all the way out here away from all my people for that laid him off three months later. He has now had two proper paychecks and it's such a relief to just pay the damn bills instead of sorting out which ones would cause the least damage to the household by not paying them. And it's blissful to be able to drive him 15 minutes to work and keep the car and actually do stuff instead of being cooped up in a sweltering house all day. But there's still alot of work to do to get back on an even keel. Our credit cards are maxed. Our five year plan has become a six year plan and I've recently come to the conclusion that our deck is really unsafe and replacing it isn't as low priority as I had hoped. It seems whoever built it used 2 inch nails. Yes, in the 2x4s. 2 inch nails. So not only are they lacking in any kind of tread to keep them in the wood, they're only biting in about 1/4 inch and we've got boards falling off and nails popping out and it's just a terrible accident waiting to happen. Why the inspector didn't notice this, I don't know. He said the deck was in great shape and solid, just needed a clean and seal. Hah.

My husband insisted that I put the baby in preschool two days a week for the sake of my sanity and insisted that we could afford it now, so I did. It's really not something I can continue doing because it's really expensive and I am not getting that many clients these days. Living in the middle of nowhere with only one car kind of hinders one's flexibility for other peoples' schedules. But having two days a week to just focus on me and doing what I felt needed doing was did me good. It gave me a chance to regroup and pamper myself a little. I even started shaving my legs again (gasp). And each day after I picked him up I felt energetic enough to take him to the park for an hour or two before it was time to pick up my husband from work. So I got some exercise.

We're going to down  to one day a week of preschool next week and I have signed us up for a Yoga in the park class and a mommy and me swimming class and the cost of both of these combined in less than half the cost of one day of preschool. I won't be able to get anything done, but I will be entertaining my little man and getting much needed gentle exercise in the process. And wearing him out. And I still get one day a week to myself to work on the websites or me or whatever.

I have also been doing a 20 minute guided meditation each day. I am not allowing myself to nap. I find the meditation is actually more helpful than the nap. The nap just eats up the day and I wake up all groggy. After the meditation I feel refreshed. I use meditations at https://www.youtube.com/user/TheHonestGuys they are awesome.
Oh and my little man and I have been doing these Yoga videos together several mornings a week: https://www.youtube.com/user/CosmicKidsYoga

So that's what I've been up to. Just in case you were worried about me after the last dramatic post that took place TWO MONTHS AGO.

And now back to our regularly scheduled blogging.

Pain

Women/mothers/ladies do not complain. Ladies have responsibilities to others. Ladies do not eat/bathe/dress/rest until everyone else is fed/clean/clothed/resting. Ladies do not let a little thing like pain slow them down. Women who came before us suffered long and hard to overcome a reputation as the "weaker" sex. Any sign of weakness discredits their efforts. Everyone suffers. Everyone deals. Complaining is rude. This is how I was raised.

But today, for now, after a long, tough weekend of smiling through pain; working on household projects, visiting, entertaining (cleaning and cooking in preparation for entertaining) I am going to take a moment and I am going to complain. About pain.

Everyone has it. People just deal. If other people can do it, you can. Quit sniveling. Or maybe your threshold is just way lower than the average person? Or maybe you're weak. Or maybe you just like to whine. For attention maybe?

I have two chronic pain conditions. Chronic migraine and Fibromyalgia. I cannot always afford treatment. Right now my pre-Obamacare medical bills are so crippling that I can't afford the co-pay to visit a doctor with my current insurance, so this is one of those times. This weekend I did not suffer migraine. I did suffer Fibromyalgia pain. All weekend. And I tried, I really tried, not to be a crabby bitch and I hope for my family's sake that I succeeded.

Let me tell you about Fibromyalgia pain: It is like no other pain. It is kind of like the pain you feel in all your joints when you are wracked with fever and chills. Or that ache in your joints as you thaw out after you've been benumbed with cold. (This is perhaps why I sometimes feel cold when it is in me, even though I'm not cold at all.) But it's not in the joints. It's near the joints. But not in them, really. And unlike these pains, it doesn't feel better when you apply heat or cold or massage. It feels worse.

It is something like the pain of a bruise, but not entirely. It's more like what you think a bruise would feel like if you didn't actually have one to compare it too. I dropped a 2x4 on my food the other day and have a nice black bruise with which to perform this experiment. Both spots hurt. They hurt more when you poke them, but not quite the same.

For one, the bruise is just one spot. Fibromyalgia is in a bunch of spots. Like an ugly invisible pain rash. 

Fibromyalgia pain is something like a sunburn. Sometimes there is even a bit of skin sting, the sort that makes even putting on a shirt excruciating, but mostly it's like that under the skin sting you have when you have a bad sunburn. It's usually in a sunburn spot too. My back and and my shoulders and even my scalp (My hair hurts! It feels so heavy on my aching scalp. I want to shave it off. I wish I could go to the barber and get it cut properly but I can't afford it. Maybe I will just take the clippers the boys use and shave it right off.)

And also in my neck, but in a very different way. Like the tendons there are straining. Like my head is too heavy to hold up and move around. Like it's too much of a burden for my neck. (When I have a migraine too this is especially fun and I think how nice it would be if I could figure out how to remove the damn thing.)

But also my legs. They feel so tired. I can't carry my kicking/screaming/doesn't-want-to-go-to-bed child all the way from the firepit to the bedroom without stopping to rest three times and finally asking my husband to take over. My legs were screaming. Like the muscles were overworked, fatigued, abused. 

It's not that I'm out of shape. Well, maybe a little. But I carry this kid around all the time. Just a few weeks ago, on a good day, I spent a whole day turning sod with a shovel and barely broke a sweat. Last weekend, when it wasn't a holiday and nobody expected anything from me, we spent the weekend exploring our nearest town. Window shopping, chatting up locals. And just last Thursday my 2 year old and I went on a 2 mile hike at Kensington Metropark (and saw the herons nesting, very cool). 

It's not that I'm weak. I regularly help a 200+ pound stroke victim in and out of bed/chair/shower/etc. I regularly move furniture around, lift boxes and lumber, etc.

It's not that I'm impatient. My clients remark upon my patience. I garden. I bake bread. I parent. I train animals. You can't do those things without patience.

But this weekend, today even. All those lovely fibro days, I am impatient. Apathetic. Weak. Out of shape. Grumpy. Irritable. Depressed. Short fused. Whiney. All those things.

Those things that ladies are not.

The house is not clean. I feel as if it never will be again. The baby gets to eat cereal for breakfast and run around in nothing but a diaper (it's hot. why not). The husband eats peanut butter and jelly of his own making for lunch. The cat is out of the fence and pestering the neighbor's dog and I don't care. When my son comes home and gripes at me for letting his cat out, I will probably snap at him and say something rude doubting the necessity of the cat in our household anyway. We're out of bread. I guess I'll just tell the husband to pick some up because it's not baking itself. I don't even think I want to shower or get dressed. I'd have to corral the baby first. 

Sometimes I give him the Kindle and let him watch Youtube videos in my bed while I snuggle next to him and doze. 

For hours.

So much guilt.

Sometimes I have this fantasy, and it's martyrish so it's relatively guilt-free. In it, I don't have migraine or fibromyalgia but some sort of brain cancer and I die. And this is a GOOD THING because I have life insurance. Enough to pay off all of my medical bills and other debts (except for the mortgage and student loans, the latter would go away and the former isn't such a big deal) and with the money my husband doesn't have to pay for my medical bills, he could pay for a nanny AND put money away for retirement. I can afford to die. I just can't afford to be sick.

I have learned to prevent migraines. I wear these huge obnoxious full spectrum sunglasses that cost me almost $30 every time I leave the house during the day. They are terribly scratched up so that I can barely see out of them but I can't afford to replace them and I can't afford to let the sun hit my retinas and put me down for two days, so I still wear them. I never eat more than 5 almonds at a sitting or half a grapefruit and no kiwi at all because I know these things will trigger a migraine. Sometimes I still get them, even when I did everything right, but I still feel like I have some measure of control there.

Fibromyalgia though is a mystery to me. I can't figure out how to prevent attacks. I can't correlate them with anything else except an overwhelming sense of misery and dread. It controls my life. I squeeze what I can into good days and lay around miserable on bad days, promising myself I'll get to whatever it is on a better day. 

It has come to mirror a sort of bipolar disorder.

On a good day I go manic, with the desperation of someone who knows her time is short. I will scrub the house from top to bottom. It will reek of lavender oil and vinegar mingled with the scent of baking. The garden will be weeded. The websites will be full of new posts, updates, etc. I will even write posts that will go out in the future. Because I know that soon there will be no time for posts. No time for anything but self-pity. And I will be happy they are there. I will make huge meals and freeze them, for the same reason. I am delighted with emails, posts on forums, whatever they are. I answer them cheerfully. Even if they're critical because I know that all feedback is good feedback and I am striving to improve. Yes, I can do that for you. Is there anything else you need? I am available to you. I want to help you. I like to help you. My time is yours. If I had money, you could have that too.

On a bad day, I just lay here. Everyone eats cereal. I don't care. I am pain. I can't understand you, you're talking too fast. You want something from me, don't you? Well forget it. Just go away. You're too loud.

I hate those websites. I dread checking my emails because they will make me feel shitty. I know some ungrateful idiot is going to be asking me questions he could have answered himself just by doing a quick search of the site I worked so hard on. Or they want to complain that I got something wrong at the Witchipedia or put too much personal information on PaganMichigan. Screw them. They can edit those pages their damn selves. It's open friggin source. It was never supposed to be just me. I ask for help monthly and nobody wants to help. They just want to complain. Screw them. Screw the whole damn community. Someone wants me to give them a Pagan name, but can't be bothered to fill out the whole questionnaire: well screw them then. Nobody. not one person. Not once has ever Paypal-ed me a tip, and only one has ever emailed me back to say "thank you" so why should I bother. Obviously, nobody likes the names I send them. I suck. They suck. The whole damn Pagan world wants everyone to give them everything for free. I hurt. I am pain. I can't afford a doctor and I don't have the right medicine. I hate everyone who doesn't hurt. I hate everyone who can go to the doctor. I hate everyone and their ridiculous first world problems. I hate everyone who can think clearly enough to ask a stupid question.  Whey are they bothering me after all I give them. For free. Without ever asking anything in return. Not that they'd give anything. 

Ugh. Who is this! This isn't me!!!

This is Pain. It has made me less of a Lady. It has made me less of a person. I don't like who I am when I am Pain.

My life is rain and making hay while the sun shines. The worse the rainstorm, the more desperate the haymaking...

I am two different people. So vastly vastly different. I am pain and I am joy. I am apathy and I am generosity. I am graciousness and I am resentment. I am friendly and I am suspicious. I am the one who gets things done and the one who doesn't do shit. I am a giver. I am a hater. Sometimes I do not know me. Sometimes I do not like me. Sometimes I wonder how other people could stand to be around me, how anyone could love me. Sometimes I am sure no one does because they don't care enough when I am hurting. They don't offer to help.  (But I am not supposed to think this last bit. That is not how I was raised. And now I have guilt.)

Drawing Update:Heart Day Resolution

This is just an update on my Heart Day Resolution which was to learn to draw.
I really LOVE the book You Can Draw in 30 Days: The Fun, Easy Way to Learn to Draw in One Month or Less which I have finished. I've actually been through it twice. (The first time was two years ago.)

I am currently working on the book Animal Art by Lee J. Ames, which is about 40 years old and has been floating around my household for.. I dunno, possibly 40 years? It doesn't have a lot of instruction, just images to practice. So I've been practicing.

And here is a drawing I did of a client's dog during an overnight shift.

I am getting better.

My Heart Day Resolution - Belated

I know this was due on February 14, or thereabouts but I have been having trouble getting my writing done lately. Rest assured, I did dedicate my heart day resolution on time and I actually began working on it a little ahead of schedule. I have proof. But hold on.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, check out my original post on the subject at http://sacredhearthblog.blogspot.com/2013/02/my-heart-day-resolution-pre-amble.html

Before I begin focusing on this year's resolution, I'm going to review a bit of last year's. Last year I resolved to lose 30 pounds. Did I lose 30 pounds? NO. 

But, I did develop better eating and exercising habits, learned to better manage my stress and reached out to my doctor and learned my thyroid is all out of whack so it's not entirely my fault. So, something was accomplished. In fact, I would say that though the letter of the resolution wasn't exactly met, the spirit of the resolution was met. Although I did not lost 30 pounds, I am firmer, I have more energy and I feel better all around. I'm not going to stress the numbers. I can't afford new clothes anyway. And I think the rest of the weight will come off on its own once this nightmarish winter is over and I can get out in the garden again.

And now, on to this year's goal. 

I am going to learn to draw. 

This is something I've always wanted to do and been frustrated because I "couldn't". On many occasions I have asked, begged, pleaded various friends and family members to draw things for me for various projects I have worked on, offering to pay in many cases, and almost always I am shut down. Or worse, they say they'll do it and never "get around to it". And then I'm all pissed off at my friend or family member, while still trying to be polite because we love each other after all, because they are holding up the show and they don't see what the big deal is. It's time to do it on my own. 

So, we will examine the goal according to the criteria I set forth a year ago.

1. It must be attainable and realistic.

Yes, I think so. My hands shake more than most people, but we'll just call that part of my style.
2. It must be something that results in a tangible, measurable change. That is, I can say here is the proof that I have achieved this goal and point to it.

I will post pictures and we will all say, "Oh hey look how much better she is."
3. It must have a reasonable deadline. In the case of my Heart Day (and other) resolution, the deadline is one year. Yes

It is one thing to set a goal and give myself a deadline but the most important thing is to keep myself on track. These are the steps I will take to do that:
1. I will assign regular check in days to review my progress. I will make this the 14th of each month.- 

I will post pictures that I have drawn and exercises that I have done. I will also let you know what books I am working on and
2. I will create mini-goals to accomplish throughout the year. One per month, to give myself little victories and successes to keep myself positive and so that I am not trying to do everything all at once.

I will think about this, at first it will probably be to complete the exercises in a specific book, then I will give myself larger projects to work on.
3. I will share with you, dear readers, my progress and what I learned in pursuit of my goals. In part to keep myself honest and also to maybe help you out on similar goals. 

Exploring My Goals
I will structure my Resolutions with a series of questions to give me a clear view of what I'm trying to accomplish and what my path will be.

Why do I want to achieve this goal? 

I have always wanted to be able to draw. I could when I was a teenager, when I took a class in High School with an awesome teacher, but I got out of practice.
How will it benefit me?

I will be less reliant on others to finish projects. This will reduce bad feelings between me and others would could help. It will give me an artistic outlet, relieve stress and make my writing more visually appealing, possibly increasing my income.
What are the drawbacks?

It will take time and practice.
How does it fit my values?

Artistic expression is path to Arete for sure.
What are my obstacles?
Laziness, lack of time to practice, frustration when things don't look just right the first time.

How will I measure success?

When I am ready, next spring, to begin working on my series of children's activity books because I am confident enough to actually do the drawings myself. Maybe the books will be next year's heart day resolution!
What are some habits I will need to develop to make this a success?

Taking time to practice, keeping my drawing materials on me at all times so I can sneak in time to practice.
Some mini-goals I can accomplish along the way?
Draw a dog, draw a plant, complete exercises in books, videos, maybe take a class if I can scrounge the money

Check-In
Each month I will post my pictures and notes about techniques I am learning, books I'm learning from.

Here is the first-

This based on exercises from the book:

You Can Draw in 30 Days: The Fun, Easy Way to Learn to Draw in One Month or Less by Mark Kistler
(Highly Recommended)

Enjoy Your Food #myheartdayresolution

I'm not ashamed. (Okay, maybe a little) I have lost maybe 10 pounds (and gained it back and lost it again) since I decided back in February to lose... 30? In my defense, I have since been diagnosed with some weird thyroid disease that can't decide it it's overactive or under (Hashimoto's), among other things. So, weight loss is going to be a challenge. But I have learned more about myself than the fact that my hormones are completely out of whack. This weight loss journey, as unsuccessful as it may have been so far, has taught me many things about me, my relationship to my body and my relationship to food.

"Enjoy your food" is one of the best pieces of advice I've ever been given in relation to dieting, and one of the hardest for me to follow. It's not that I don't like food, I love it. I love growing it, smelling it, preparing it and eating it. But to truly enjoy my food, I would have to slow down. I would have to find myself in the moment, taste each bite, feel the texture, experience the aroma, truly enjoy it.

I have a really hard time doing just one thing at a time. When my Sunshine is in the bathtub, I'm either cleaning the bathroom, reading a book or knitting. When I'm watching Hulu I'm either cleaning the living room, knitting, writing or snacking (or a combination of the above). (Right now, Once Upon a Time is on Hulu in another Window) And when I'm eating, if there isn't anyone there to have a rousing conversation with, I'm usually writing or researching. I have to force myself to join my Sunshine when he has his meals during the day. I would much rather have my lunch in front of the computer. When I eat I don't think about the food. I think about all the other stuff I'm doing and the food is just one more distraction.

I know that my tendency for distracted eating leads to a tendency for over eating. The truth is, my fat doesn't come from eating crap anymore. Well, not most of it. My fat comes from me scarfing down food while doing other things, barely chewing, barely noticing I'm eating, not noticing I'm feeling full. And then eating more, because that other thing I was doing while eating is still happening and so I just need to fill my plate again and again until I'm finished with this article. Or that show is over. Or the person I'm talking to decides they're done eating.

Taking the time to be in the moment is something I have worked hard to cultivate. It's not in my nature. I do a Yoga video every morning to focus myself on myself. I take time to read and play with my little boy and force myself to do nothing else at least once a day. It's hard. I mean, it's fun. But it's hard.

Eating mindfully, enjoying my food, is a habit that has been difficult for me to cultivate because eating isn't special. It is a thing that I do 3-5 times a day every day and have done all my life. It's just a thing. Like brushing my teeth. And... well I just have a hard time doing anything that can be done while doing something else without doing something else.

Now that I've totally psychoanalyzed this issue, I'm making it a goal for the month. I may have to begin by increasing the importance of my meals, maybe dressing them up, lighting some candles, saying grace - every time, not just at dinner. This will help instill the "specialness" of my meals and encourage me to focus on them and truly enjoy them. And here is a chart that I found online to help me out http://eatingmindfully.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/final-mindful-eating-marathon-infographic.jpg

Eat More Fruits and Vegetables #myheartdayresolution

It's not that I've fallen off the Heart Day Resolution wagon. It's more like the wagon flipped and rolled over me. I moved, you see, and it kinda sucked. I mean, the house is awesome and the new town is very cool and I've got a nice big yard to practice edible landscaping in next year, but we've been trying to move since May. We promised to be out by August, school started the beginning of September and we didn't close on the house until the end of September. So the last few months have been alot of time in the car, sleeping in campgrounds and on floors and lots of fast food and other junk. Yea, it kinda sucked. Then after we moved in there was problems with the electricity and then the internet and we still don't have heat (space heaters, our electric bill will be catastrophic) or a stove (the steamer, crock pot and electric frying pan are feeding us fine for now) so my diet hasn't been the best, but now that the dust is settling I'm back in the groove. I think.

For this installment I resolve to eat more fruits and vegetables. Fruits and vegetables are lower in calories and fats (but not sugar) than grains and meats, loaded with anti-oxidants and other lovely nutrients and fiber which helps you feel full. Raw fruits and veggies absorb more slowly than cooked and keep you full even longer. Most importantly, the more fruits and veggies I eat, the less space there is for chips and bread, which are my biggest diet issues, unless there are chocolate covered pretzels around, but luckily, they're rare.

Here are some tools from my veggie-eating toolbox:

Door to Door Organics
Door to Door Organics is a service that delivers fresh fruits and vegetables to my home every week (or every two weeks). I have this box of stuff I have to eat or it will be wasted. So I eat it. It's also gorgeous stuff and if it's not, they credit your account with no hassel. I love them!
(If you're interested, I can send you an invite and you'll get 50% off your first order and I think I get a prize too. So just shoot me an email with your email if you want.)

Farmer's Market

The thing about the farmer's market is that I have to get off my butt and go there, but I really enjoy it while I'm there. Also unfortunately the prices tend to be pretty high and there tends to be just as much pie and artisan bread as fresh, delicious veggies and fruits. At farmer's market prices, you better believe that stuff isn't going to go to waste.

My Local CSA
Okay, so I don't belong to a CSA anymore, but I used to and it was pretty cool. Unfortunately, it ceased to exist after I was a member for only two years and there were no other options where I was. I am in a new location and will be looking into my CSA options for spring, though it'll probably be temporary as I hope to grow most of my food on my new property. What is a CSA, you ask? CSA stands for community supported agriculture. Basically you, the community, pay a membership fee to a farm and then you get a share of the crop as it happens through the year. The one I used to belong to offered a discounted "work" membership and my coworkers and I each got one and we would go by after work a couple days a week to weed & such. Great fun and good exercise. I don't think most CSAs run like that though. They can be pricey and there is an element of risk involved. But again, you bring home that bushel of veggies, you gotta eat em. To find a CSA near you, check out Local Harvest's CSA page.

My Garden
I don't have a garden yet. But I will. I am hoping that the majority of my food will come from my garden over the next few years. Next year my garden will probably contribute minimally to my diet, but thereafter I hope it will be a major contributor. When it's just easier to run outside to grab a bunch of veggies than it is to run to town for a burger and fries, the veggies just might win.

Habits to develop to eat more fruits and vegetables:

Start each meal with a salad:
This is hard for me, but it doesn't have to be. Salad is so easy. It's just some lettuce and chopped up variables in a bowl, right? You can buy it almost ready made. But it is hard for me and this is something I will have to work on.

Fruit and Veggies for breakfast
It's not a big deal to add some chopped spinach, peppers, onions and tomatoes to your scrambled eggs in the morning, and it's quite tasty. I also enjoy mashed carrots or sweet potatoes added to my pancake mix. And of course there's potato pancakes with applesauce. Yum. And of course oatmeal gets walnuts, raisins and apples.

Prepare a plate of crudites 
I love veggie platters and I consider them a must have at any get-together. But why wait for company? If I keep a platter of cut up vegetables; broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, zucchini, cucumbers, snap peas, asparagus spears, cherry tomatoes and maybe some pickles and olives for flair with a bowl of delicious homemade hummus or ranch dip ready for snacking at all times, believe me, I will snack. And it'll be good for me. In fact, if I have this ready to go, I will choose it over more fattening options like a sandwich or a cookie every time a snack attack hits. Each time I prepare a plate, it last me for about three days before I have to make fresh dip and chop veggies again. If you don't have the time, you can pick up pre-chopped veggies and pre-made dip and if you're really pressed for time and can afford it, you can pick up a crudite platter all ready to go at most grocery stores with a deli.

Reduce Stress #myheartdayresolution

In my weight loss journey I have made a number of unpleasant discoveries about my health. For example, my cholesterol is sky high. I also have depression and anxiety. Though it may not seem like it at first glance, these two things are related and they're both related to my obesity. The uniting factor in all of these is cortisol, the stress hormone.

I am no stranger to cortisol or the "fight or flight" adrenalin rush that it triggers. I am an animal handler by trade, after all, and animals attack. When a dog tries to attack me, I feel that rush like a laser through my chest. The world slows down and my thoughts start to come in a whir. "Okay, step to the side, grab the scruff, where's his teeth, where's my hand, have I got a good grip? he's heavy but I'm strong, where's the owner, let's get him out of here, okay good she's got the leash on him I can let go now...". And then out loud "Wow, did you see what happened there? Let's discuss that and use it as a learning opportunity."

But sometimes, much more often, the laser through my chest happens when there is no emergency. Then my brain is whirring and there's no direction for it to go in. All it can say is "what if he thinks, what if she thinks, what if this doesn't work out, what if something's going on you don't know about".  And there's no where for it to go, so it just keeps whirring and spinning, and the lazer keeps shooting me in the chest and my chest gets tighter, and my brain spins faster and then I have an anxiety attack, or I simply shut down and go to bed or, as my son refers to it I STOP and sink into a depression and lay in bed with my brain spinning lazily about saying "There's nothing you can do anyway, might as well just let it happen, ride it out, who cares anyway, we're all going to die, might as well let it come, you can't help, can't even keep the house clean, if they cared about you they would know, you wouldn't have to tell them, why bother, they're all using you, why write, why talk, I don't have anything worthwhile to say, nothing's original, nothing's interesting, might as well stay in bed." and then my body starts cooperating with my brain and becomes achy and miserable so I really am sick in bed.

Meanwhile all that cortisol floating around in my system without an actual emergency to respond to is getting bored and entertaining itself in all sorts of ways. Excess cortisol causes insulin resistance, also known as pre-diabetes, which can cause you to lay down abdominal fat, which is linked to production of excess cholesterol  and increased risk of stroke, heart attack and metabolic syndrom. It impairs thyroid function, which can cause you to hang on to weight. Cortisol depresses the immune system. It reduces bone and muscle formation, causing osteoporosis over a long period of time. It interferes with memory retrieval and increases blood pressure.

Okay, so I think I have made my case for the stress-cortosol-obesity link. The question is, what to do about it. I can't stop stress from happening and I really only have limited control when it comes to my body's natural response to it

Well, I did some research and formulated a plan. Here is the practical part of this post.

Dawn's Plan for Reducing Stress

Exercise
There it is again, exercise. Exercise helps "burn off" cortisol and relieve stress. I try to do Yoga every morning. I found a Youtube page I like so I can practice with free videos. ( Do Yoga with Me) and I'm thinking of starting to do the Belly Dance workouts at (just trying to find time when nobody's around to mock me). My little Sunshine and I take walks every afternoon when we start to get on each others' nerves and then at night, after Sunshine is fed, bathed and in his jammies, my husband and I push him around the neighborhood in the stroller. This is a great wind down and gives my husband and I a chance to discuss the day.

Sleep
Stress interferes with sleep and when you don't get enough sleep you have a harder time dealing with stress. It's a vicious cycle. I am an insomniac. When I get involved with writing something, I don't like to stop to sleep. And when I do go to sleep I end up waking up in the middle of the night with my mind racing. Most of my anxiety attacks happen at night. Enter, The Honest Guys, another Youtube channel I just love. Their guided sleep meditations really do the trick. (And their Middle Earth themed meditations are alot of fun too). They take the edge off an anxiety attack and help me drift off to sleep. I still must be super strict about making myself go to sleep at 10pm every night so that I can get a solid 8 hours before I wake up at 6:30am if I want to do Yoga, have a shower and start on my daily chores before Mr. Sunshine wakes up.

Make a List
I find making lists of everything I need to do and keeping track of everything on a family calendar to be very helpful in reducing my stress throughout the day. One tool I use for this can be found at Cozi.com I use this calendar, to-do list, grocery shopping list and menu planner tool to keep myself on track. I even record my dog training appointments on it as I can take it with me on my Kindle and update my calendar right from my clients' homes. My husband has access to the same calendar and carries his Kindle with him too so when he gets a gig, he just puts it on the calendar and the next time I look at it, there it is. No more double booking. And since I keep my Kindle in my purse, I never forget a shopping list anymore either.

Meditation
Meditation is key to reducing stress, but it's not easy for everyone and it can be hard to find time for it. I used to take a nap when my Sunshine napped, now I do a one hour meditation and spend the other hour and a half checking things off my to do list. Since I am sleeping better, the nap isn't necessary and I feel like the meditation refreshes me better without leaving me groggy and fuzzy. If I have trouble meditating on my own, I do one of the great guided meditations from The Honest Guys or LilianEden.

Play
Play is a great stress reliever and it releases good healthy hormones that make you stronger instead of those bad stress hormones that mess you all up. So I try to take some time to play every day. Several times a day I spend some time roughhousing with the baby, building with blocks or looking at a book together. This is my job at that time. Not cleaning or cooking or writing, playing with the baby. I also try to take some time to play with the older kids. Mabinogi is an online game we all enjoy together (look me up, I'm Mourningbird). Sometimes I have to play by myself and for that I have found Superbetter.com. What is it? It's a game, and a self-healing and productivity tool. It makes doing what you gotta do fun. It was created by a video game designer and... well, you have to check it out for yourself. And if you do, please be my ally! It's more fun to play with others.

Craft
Creating crafts also releases good hormones. I like knitting but I haven't the time lately. I am seriously going to get back into it. Soon. I also want to set up a sewing room and a craft workshop in my new house, whenever I get my new house. Crafting isn't something I've been doing enough to relieve my stress, but it does relieve stress when I do it.


I am interested to hear what other people do to relieve stress and if they have tips and viewpoints about using the methods I described here.

Menu Planning #myheartdayresolution

Menu planning is easy, it's even fun. It's sticking to the plan that's hard. But I'm muddling through and it's been good for us. Family dinner almost every night, on time, almost. And no more wandering aimlessly through the grocery store. Not that that isn't fun...

Advantages to Menu Planning

Menu planning saves money
When you do your grocery shopping according to a menu, you will by more of what you need and less of what you don't. When you wander around the store, uninspired, you buy all kinds of weird stuff you don't need. You also might save money on gas with fewer unplanned trips to the grocery store as well as the savings you get by not resorting to the late night party store.

Planning your meals improves nutrition
When you plan your meals ahead of time, you are more likely to eat those things you planned to eat like veggies and lean proteins, and less likely to eat unplanned things, like donuts and hamburgers. Unless donuts and hamburgers are your thing. You're also more likely to plan complete meals and have everything on hand to prepare complete meals.

Planning meals cuts back on waste
You only buy what you need, so you throw away less. No more moldy cheese, questionable cold cuts or freezer-burned salmon.

Menu planning saves time
Yes, it takes a bit to look over your sales fliers and check out what's going on in your cupboards, but a few minutes once a week saves you time day to day with fewer emergency food runs and less time fiddling around in the afternoon trying to figure out what you're going to make for dinner.

Planning your meals promotes family dinners
Family dinners are important. They develop healthy eating habits in your children, encourage communication among family members and reduce stress. And of course they are traditions that bind the generations together.

Menu Planning Resources

I highly recommend Cozi.com, as it has great menu planning resources coupled with a family calendar. It also allows you to store your recipes and copy recipes from other websites, as well as providing recipe suggestions of their own. After you fill your calendar up with recipes, you can tell it to automatically create a shopping list for you. Then you just check it against what you have on hand and voila! all that's left is a shopping trip.

Now, I find this difficult to use because of my cantankerous printer. I have to print everything out. However, those people who have those nifty little devices like tablets can download the ap and have everything they need right there, without having to print out anything.

A pen and paper method that is much more feasible for my technically challenged self is the Magnetic What to Eat Pad. Goes write up on the fridge, easy peasy. Or print out one of these Menu Planning Worksheets.

My Menu Planning Process

1. I made a list of all of my recipes, asking my family for input as to their favorites. I listed all the ingredients in these. (I am inspired by this to create a cook book to gift my children with as they move out.) This goes right in my Book of Shadows since homemaking is a major part of my path.

2. I created for myself a weekly guideline for which meals to prepare on which days. On Monday it's vegetarian (not just meatless as we're not really meat people anyway, we're cheese and egg people) and Friday is fish. Since food is delivered on Thursday, Wednesday night is leftover night, to get rid of last weeks extras and make room for the new stuff.

3. Each week, I take a quick glance at my grocery store's website, which has an electronic version of the sales circular and I check to see what will be arriving in my Door to Door Organics box that week and select appropriate recipes from my list for each day, keeping in mind how quickly some of my delivered veggies will begin to wilt.

4. I make a grocery list based on what I have and what I need.

5. I go shopping.

Some Problems With the Process (and Possible Solutions)

People eating my stuff!
Oh yea, these boys, they eat anything and everything. Half a can of pasta sauce to make pita pizzas. Half a bag of pita bread. Giant handfuls of walnuts. Then when it's time for me to cook, I've got half of what I need!
Possible solutions
1. Put snack stuff in a special section in the fridge. You're allowed to eat from here, no where else.
2. Divide up food for meals and store them conspicuously so they know what's off limits.
3. Maybe a combination of both?

Schedule Changes, Screws Everything Up
So when the unexpected happens or I'm feeling like absolute crap, things don't get cooked when they're supposed to get cooked. The whole system goes haywire and things end up wasted.
Possible Solutions
1. When I have to skip a day, cook twice and freeze the extra the next day.
2. Get other people to cook on bad days.
3. Schedule in unplanned days.





Check-In
Last Month's Goal - Get Active
My goal to be more active is coming along. I am making a point of taking the baby on an outing every day that I am home with him. It's really necessary because I am weaning him so I can go on some necessary medications and it's much easier to distract him from wanting to nurse when we'er out and about so that's an additional motivation. On nice days we go to the park, on not so nice days, we go to the museum. I bought a museum membership so it's easier. I am also making use of the Wii Fit and Xbox 360 games that involve movement. The baby especially enjoys Xbox Party. Getting to the gym, not so easy. I also do some active kids videos with him. Like Bo on the Go, but I'm not excited about that, so I hope to come up with something better soon. I am pleased with my progress this month.
Activity this week: Walking: 2 at the park, 2 at the museum, 2 with dogs Dancing: 0 Baby Video: 2 Yoga: 2 Fitness Center: 0

Weigh-In
Weight: 185.1
BMI calculation: 30.85
Waist measurement: 39
Hip Measurement: 44
Waist to Hip Ratio: .89

MyFitnessPal - Free Weight Loss Tools

Next Month's Goal/Habit: Packing a Lunch

Get Moving #myheartdayresolution

My very first goal for my Heart Day Resolution project is probably the hardest so I thought I'd get it out of the way early. Unfortunately, I wasn't entirely successful. Now is the time to re-commit!

First, I would like to identify some obstacles I have run into while pursuing this goal:

1. I am the primary caregiver for a one year old. My husband is gone 12 hours a day five day a week at his day job plus rehearsals and gigs (he's a musician). I don't trust a lot of people to watch my son. And I don't have a lot of people to choose from as it is.
2. I haven't got a lot of discretionary money so joining a health club is out of the question.
3. It's freezing cold outside!
4. I am lazy.
5. I would rather be writing or knitting.
6. For the majority of this month, I have been down to one car because my husband's car has been broken. It is fixed now.
7. Work has been out of control. Today is my first day off in 6 days and the last one I will have for the forseeable future. Although I will be training dogs at home instead of out two days a week starting next week. So that's almost like having a day off. But not really.

I need to find activities I can do with my son that won't require me to take him out into the cold
And
I also need to figure out where I can squeeze in some solo activities.

Here are the solutions I came up with.

1. The Mall! Okay, so I'm broke and I can't shop at the mall but I can take the baby there in the stroller and walk around for an hour! When the weather gets nice, I'll go to the park instead.
     I haven't been able to do this yet, due to car issues, but I will be trying this in the mornings when I work evenings and my days off.

2. The Museum! I got my husband a family membership to the museum for his birthday (It was an Amazon Local http://local.amazon.com/ deal). We spent an afternoon at the museum on Saturday after I taught a class and then took a class (I felt very accomplished on Saturday!). This is a great way to spend time with the family and once the membership card arrives in the mail (I hope there are two, we do't share these things well), my little Sunshine and I can visit the museum just the two of us. When the weather improves, we plan to get a zoo membership as well.

3. Work out at the community center at night. Our community has a fitness center which is free for residents of our town. They are open till 9pm. My husband gets home at 7:45pm. If I have dinner on the table, myself already fed and the baby in the high chair when he walks in the door, I can dash out and have a real workout for 30 to 45 minutes before they close.
   I have not managed this yet. We are spending our evenings making sure mom gets her car back. Now that the car is back, I may be able to pull this  off once in awhile. The only problem is, at 8pm, I do not feel like working out at all.

4. Exercise videos. These make me feel self-conscious. But I have found that Baby Einstein's Baby's First Moves is something the baby and I can do together and while it's not a workout per se, it is active.
   We've done this a few times. It's fun.

5. Dancing. I used to go dancing at the bar once a week and at drum circles once a month before the baby came. It's time to get out of the house again.
   I haven't done this yet. I am not sure how much I really want to.

6. Yoga. I know how to do Yoga. I don't need a class or a video. I have even created a daily devotional to Eos incorporating Yoga. My daily devotions have been neglected too long.
  I have no excuses for not doing this. I am just ridiculously lazy!

I have also slacked off quite a bit on my journaling. But I've picked it back up. On the other hand, the fact that I am so busy with work means that I'm more active by default - although the majority of my work time is spent in my car.

The biggest hurdle is to get over my laziness and my rather-be-doing-something else-ness. To help with this I have created a schedule to try to fit everything in. Every morning I wake up at 6am and do my morning devotions. I  write for an hour till the baby wakes up and then feed him breakfast and do the Baby's First Moves video together. We leave at 10am no matter what. If I don't have clients that day, if we don't have any errands to run, we go to the mall and walk for an hour, then come home. Lunch at noon followed by a nap then I write (assuming I'm not out training dogs). Snack at 4pm then we get dinner started. Daddy is home at 7:45 (if he doesn't have a gig or rehearsal and I don't have to drop off or pick up a dog) and I dash out to the fitness center for a workout. Back at 9:15 in time for storytime and tuck in. Knit for an hour then to bed.

On Friday or Saturday night instead of the fitness center I will go out dancing (if daddy doesn't have a gig)! Yay!

Monthly Goal Check In
Days Exercised
This Week: Yoga:  Fitness Center:   Walking: 1  Video:  Baby Video: 1 Dancing:

Weight: 195.3
BMI calculation: 32.54
Waist measurement: 39.5
Hip Measurement: 43
Waist to Hip Ratio: .90


Next Month's Habit: Menu Planning

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Weight Loss Tools

I Am a Creature of Air

So my goals of late have been focused on my body and that's a good thing. My body is a much neglected part of my life. I have been thinking about why that is and why it's so difficult for me to focus on improving it and then I realized that it's mostly because I don't give a shit about it. I just don't think about it much.

This morning I was getting ready for my day. I washed and moisturized and brushed my hair and put it up. I didn't do any of these things because I wanted to. And I didn't do any of them because they give me particular pleasure. I do these things every day because I have to, and I am rather annoyed that I have to. You see, I wash so as not to offend anyone with my stink. I moisturize because if I don't then when I train dogs it won't be damaged as easily when they scratch or mouth me. I brush my hair so I can get it in the ponytail which it must be in or it falls in my face when I bend down to handle a dog- and annoys the hell out of me. I only have hair because my husband reacts with horror whenever I suggest that I want to shave it all off.

My body is nothing much to me. It is a vessel to move me from one mental experience to another. After writing my article about elements on Friday and thinking about how annoying my body is, I realized that I am suffering from a severe lack of the Earth element. It is no wonder that I crave carbs like I do. It's no wonder exercise is abhorrent to me. I am a mental creature. A creature of air. I haven't always been this way, at least not to this extreme. But now here I am.

The first thing I realize I'm going to have to do to rectify this situation is to get a little self-discipline. Honestly, this is not an easy thing for a creature of air to do. I'm going to have to get creative.

I am also going to have to focus a little more on my balance. The excess Air element I carry probably has something to do with the high anxiety state I've found myself in for the past few months. There was a time when my mental health issue was depression. Meditation will help me here. I need to establish a daily routine of elemental balance meditation. We're back then to that self-discipline.

Another thing I'm going to have to do is spend some time enjoying my skin. There are things I have in the past enjoyed in my skin. Sex, something I don't do often enough since the baby was born. Dancing, I can't remember the last time I went dancing. Gardening, well, I'll have to wait for spring for that. Houseplants aren't even an option since the cat and the baby are united against all houseplants. Baking, I have been avoiding baking because it results in things that make one chubby...

I will have to give this more thought.

Falling Off the Wagon

So I haven't journaled in days and I haven't managed to do anything resembling physical activity. Ever. I have lots of excuses. Helping my grandma pack up her house (sad job). Sick baby. My husband's car broke. It's freaking cold out. Is there more? Probably. I am completely off kilter. I need to take some time to refocus on my goals. Maybe add in some incentives. More to come.

Journal It #myheartdayresolution

I am a big fan of journaling. I encourage my clients to use journals as a tool to help them change their dog's behavior, especially during housebreaking and I used journaling to help establish a sleeping and eating schedule for my little one, so I was right on board with the suggestion of many weight loss sites to begin my journey with journaling.

According to an article on WebMD (which apparently first came from Good Housekeeping) entitled The Single Best Way to Lose Weight, journaling is the single best way to lose weight. According to the article, most folks have no idea how much they eat and if you make it a rule that you write it all down, you tend to eat less and lose weight by default. Wouldn't that be awesome? (Well I can tell you right now I didn't lose anything this week.)

Now originally I was thinking I'd just journal for the month and then do my monthly check-in, but it's really a waste of time. When I tell my clients to journal it's for a week or two, never a whole month. The idea is to identify patterns of behavior, triggers, habits you're not aware of and to target them and I feel that after a week I have really gained all I'm going to from just journaling.  So, here's what I've found.

Diet Journaling Tools

The first tool I tried was a handy diet journal at http://www.webmd.com/diet/food-fitness-planner/fitness-log but I had some trouble adding foods because I am a home cook. So I needed a way to record my own recipes and determine their nutritional content. You can record additional foods in the WebMd journal, but you have to know their nutritional content first. I was excited to see that http://www.nutritiondata.com has this feature, but it doesn't work. Very disappointing! But I was able to find what I was looking for at http://recipes.sparkpeople.com. However, from what I can see you have to share in order to save your recipes and I don't feel like sharing so I can't save. Bummer. But I can save the nutritional information from recipes on the WebMD site so I guess it's okay...

All of this got to be rather cumbersome, so I looked for something that had more of what I wanted and that's when I found http://www.myfitnesspal.com which seems to be the best of both worlds and it has an app for a smartphone, which I can't use. It also links you Facebook which I might play with a bit. Best of all, I can share or not, whatever I feel like doing. And, it has tickers:

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Weight Loss Tools

Cool

While journaling online is handy and a little bit fun, it's not practical when you spend half your life in the car so I needed something I could take along with me. Some solutions have smartphone apps which would be awesome if I had a smartphone or my husband's Kindle Fire, but I only have my little old Kindle Keyboard and I rather like it. I have an app on my Kindle called Notepad which suits my needs just fine although I did look for a journaling app and couldn't find one. Someone who knows about apps should take note of that. I want a journaling app for my Kindle keyboard, mkay? I know probably nobody is making new apps for the Kindle Keyboard.

My Discoveries

When I tell my clients to begin by journaling, the idea is to discover their dog's natural patterns as well as to identify triggers for unacceptable behavior and habits that may need to be broken or adjusted to reach the goal. So that was really the goal for this journaling project. So here is what I found.

1. I actually have a lot of good eating habits.

• I don't get a lot of calories from beverages. Aside from my morning cup of coffee, I drink only water and skim milk. 
• I always eat breakfast. (I frankly don't understand how anybody can function without it.) And my breakfasts tend to be pretty healthy. Usually oatmeal with raisins, cinnamon and pecans OR a scrambled omelette with veggies and feta cheese and a banana. Occasionally I have pancakes, but we're talking once a month at the most. I have found by analyzing my recipes, however, that my breakfasts aren't the healthiest and have adapted my recipes accordingly.
• I am disgusted by super-sweet things. When I do have a sweet tooth, it can usually be satisfied by a few semi-sweet chocolate chips or a piece of dried fruit.

2. When I don't eat on time, I tend to overeat or eat all the wrong things when I finally get the opportunity to eat.
3. The "junk food" I eat is usually of the fatty and salty variety. I love gravy, french fries, fried chicken, chips, the fatty bits on meat, cheese.
4. Most of my eating of all the wrong things tends to happen when I'm on the road.
5. I also eat when I'm stressed.
6. I will eat as long as I am at the table and I eat a lot faster than my husband and infant son. (My older son scarfs down his meal and bails. He doesn't stick around for the conversation.)
7. I will continue eating as long as there is food within reach, even if I am not hungry.
8. I get almost no exercise. I do the occasional "how to walk your dog on a leash" lesson, but these only last about 30 minutes maybe once a week and I do as much standing around shouting orders while they walk as I do walking myself. Other than that, my exercise consists of pushing a cart around the grocery store for an hour once or twice a week.
9. I drink a lot of water.

All in all I think the journaling project was useful and enlightening and I will continue journaling for the duration of my weight loss project in order to keep track of my progress.


Check-In
Days journaled this week: 5

Weight: 196.5
BMI calculation: 32.76
Waist measurement: 42.0
Hip Measurement: 45.5
Waist to Hip Ratio: .93
(WTF! Not the early success I'd hoped for. Oh well.)

Next week's goal/habit: Get active



Some other interesting links I've found:
http://www.rd.com/health/diet-weight-loss/50-weight-loss-secrets-and-slim-down-tips/

My Heart Day Resolution #myheartdayresolution

Okay, here it is. Heart Day and my Heart Day Resolution is:

I resolve to lose 30 pounds.

I actually need to lose 50 pounds but I am thinking 30 is much more attainable. Hopefully, all the wonderful habits I practice over the next year will result in continued gradual weight loss past the deadline. My doctor has been griping about my weight since before my last pregnancy and I am now heavier than I was at its peak. Not pretty. I used to be really proud of my physical health. Being chubby is somewhat depressing. I have never dieted before. This is going to suck. BUT I can do it. I know I can.

Just to remind me, my resolution steps are:
1. Set a reasonable goal to be met in one year. (Check)
2. Set monthly checkpoints to review my progress. (Check -  I will check in monthly on the 14th with a weigh-in and measurements.)
3. Develop new habits or mini goals and explore them each month in my checkpoint blog.

Exploration Questions

Why do I want to achieve this goal?
Being fat is no fun. My doctor says I am endangering my health. My favorite clothes don't fit. I wear out easily. A 110 pound rotty kicked my ass last weekend. That doesn't happen to me!

How will it benefit me?
I will be a better dog trainer when I can match the dogs for strength and endurance (I know speed is too much to hope for). I am looking at borderline diabetes here. I don't want diabetes. My clothes will fit again (yay) and I'll feel better buying new clothes. I will feel and look sexier and have more sex. More sex is good. Also I will be a better mom and wife, more active, stronger, better able to keep up and enjoy activities. I will be healthier for the rest of my life if I lose the weight now.

What are the drawbacks?
I am sure this is totally going to interfere with my lifestyle and eating habits.
Let me just say, that I love pie. And I am going to keep eating it. This goes for fruit pie as well as meat pie. Cream pie I think I can give up. Does cheese cake count as pie? I can't give that up either. Besides that, I am sure there will be some serious schedule issues.

How does it fit my values?
Hearth- My family deserves a healthy, energetic mother.
Heart - That is self-evident.
Earth - I am not sure how it will benefit the Earth, but it won't do Her any harm either.

How will this help with my ultimate goal of Arete?
Physical fitness was often mentioned as an example of the excellence of greatness in ancient Greece.

What are my obstacles?
I am breastfeeding. This precludes most chemical interventions. I can take no weight loss herbal supplements or drugs.
I am lazy.
I have very little time to myself. Babysitters are scarce unless I'm working.
I am on the road a lot and eat on the go pretty often.
I love food.

How will I measure success?
My goal is to lose 30 pounds. When I get there I will know I've succeeded. Also, see first check-in below. I expect the check in section to grow as things progress and I add more mini-goals to this project.

What are some habits I will need to develop to make this a success?
Some ideas I've gotten from the internet include: Keeping a food and exercise journal, meal planning, controlling portion sizes, eating in more than out, watching sugary beverages(I don't drink these, bonus), eat breakfast (I already do that. Bonus again), increasing physical activity, working out in the morning, brushing your teeth after meals, lay off the simple carbs

Some mini-goals I can accomplish along the way?
 Establish a regular work out schedule, join a community, start journaling, explore more tools to help me on my way, consult with my doctor, consult with a personal trainer.

First Check-in
Weight: 195.1 lbs
BMI calculation: 32.51 (according to my Wii Fit)
Waist measurement: 40
Hip Measurement: 45
Waist to Hip Ratio: 0.88 (Per http://www.healthcalculators.org/calculators/waist_hip.asp)
Goal Weight: 165 lbs

The first habit I will explore is...
Diet and exercise journaling

My Heart Day Resolution Pre-amble

This year (and if it works out every year hereafter) I am setting a resolution on Valentine's Day to do something good for my Heart. Not just my physical heart, but everything it symbolizes. My Self. My health. My emotions. My relationships. But I am only allowed to pick one goal per year.

So, Heart Day is only two days away and I am formulating my resolution in the back of my head but first I wanted to come up with a plan, a sort of framework for what I'm doing to keep my brain organized.

First, I thought it would be nice to have some sort of special ritual to mark the occasion. I haven't been able to think of a ceremony per se, but I think I have a good idea for a ritual.

I am going out today to buy myself a greeting card and on it I am going to write:

Dearest Heart:
I love you and I want you to be strong, happy and healthy and so today I promise you that I will do this thing for you:
{Insert resolution here}
Yours forever,
Signed me

I will put it in my card box and mail it to myself when I send out my Valentine's Day cards next year.
Won't that be sweet.
I think I'll also buy myself a present.

As for the resolution itself, I wanted to set a few guidelines for myself and for that I turn am digging some goal-setting wisdom out of the back of my brain from a class I took years ago and adapting it because that's what I do.

First, we must look at the resolution or goal itself. When I set my goal it needs to meet the following criteria:
1. It must be attainable and realistic.
2. It must be something that results in a tangible, measurable change. That is, I can say here is the proof that I have achieved this goal and point to it.
3. It must have a reasonable deadline. In the case of my Heart Day (and other) resolution, the deadline is one year.

It is one thing to set a goal and give myself a deadline but the most important thing is to keep myself on track. These are the steps I will take to do that:
1. I will assign regular check in days to review my progress. I will make this the 14th of each month.
2. I will create mini-goals to accomplish throughout the year. One per month, to give myself little victories and successes to keep myself positive and so that I am not trying to do everything all at once.
3. I will share with you, dear readers, my progress and what I learned in pursuit of my goals. In part to keep myself honest and also to maybe help you out on similar goals. I will tag my Heart Day posts every 14th of the month with #myheartdayresolution. Yea, it's long. Whatever.

Exploring My Goals
I will structure my Resolutions with a series of questions to give me a clear view of what I'm trying to accomplish and what my path will be.

Why do I want to achieve this goal?
How will it benefit me?
What are the drawbacks?
How does it fit my values?
What are my obstacles?
How will I measure success?
What are some habits I will need to develop to make this a success?
Some mini-goals I can accomplish along the way?

Check-In
Check in will take place each month on the same day the resolution was originally made. For each resolution the check in will be slightly different. I will define the check in to suit each goal at the time the resolution is set with the understanding that its structure may have to be adapted as I go along.


Now that I have a plan, I am ready for Heart Day!
Please let me know if you're going to join me. I would love it if you did!!
(And if you're reading this and it's like August, who cares, pick your own Heart Day and jump right in!)

Celebrate the Self!

Note that this ritual is described as a solo ritual but it can easily be adapted for groups. Simply sit in a circle and share your affirmations together.

Timing
Any time is a good time to celebrate how wonderful we are, but the enthousiasm and joy of Sagittarius and the bright energy of the full moon make the full moon in Sagittarius a particularly appropriate time for this ritual. This is also a good ritual for Valentine's Day.

Materials
Prepare ahead of time by taking the time to buy yourself a gift and a bottle of your favorite wine (or other beverage) and making your favorite meal (or ordering your favorite takeout). Take a relaxing ritual bath and do some things to make yourself feel pampered. Put on your favorite outfit and settle down in front of your altar (you may wish to place a mirror near or on your altar, so you can see yourself) and light a candle. You may also wish to have your favorite album playing in the background.

Establish your sacred space in whichever manner you prefer.

Light a single candle on your altar.

"I light this candle in honor of me, for I am the most important person in my life. My actions and my choices have brought me to the place I am now and only through my own courage and wisdom will my dreams be made real."
(If you are doing this in a group, the leader should light a candle and change I to we and My to our, etc.)

Count coup
Run through a list of all of the great things you've accomplished in the past year. Talk about the challenges you had to overcome to see these things come to fruition. Talk about what you learned in the process and congratulate yourself for a job well done. Say it all out loud or write it down if you're alone. If in a group take turns speaking and congratulate one another- but don't forget to congratulate yourself as well.

"I am very proud of my accomplishments. I am very proud to be who I am. I feel that I deserve a special gift of congratulations for all the great things I do and so I present myself with this gift."
Open up the gift you brought yourself and admire it. Put it on (if it's wearable) and maybe even take a picture.

Get up and dance for awhile in celebration of yourself and the joy you bring you. Dance until you are tired.

Pour out libations:
"I am the physical representation of the Divine on the Earth. Through me Divine energy is manifest in matter. Through me the Gods experience the pleasures of mortality and through the Gods I may experience the wisdom of eternity. I offer this wine and this food to the Gods in thanks for myself."

Now, eat your favorite meal and drink your favorite beverage. This is the feast of celebration of you!

Other ways to celebrate yourself:
Write a poem or a song about yourself and your accomplishments.
Draw, paint or sculpt a self-portrait.
Get a cast made of yourself or your favorite body part.
Make a collage of some great pictures of you.